‘Where do we go from here?’ Finding God’s purpose in dealing with infant loss

Before losing my son, Bruce, I had a lot of high hopes for him.

I thought he would be a carbon copy of me and be my entire world in addition to my first-born daughter. 

However, that wasn’t the case, as he wasn’t even given a chance to enter this world. When my then-wife was carrying him and keeping him warm until his big debut to the world, we thought the pregnancy was going smoothly. We took it for granted that Bruce was going to be OK because the experience with our first-born child had been positive.

Then, on the fateful day of June 4, 2018, my wife called me frantically to say she had suffered a miscarriage at her workplace. The news broke me and is something I will never forget.

Then, just weeks later, my best friend, the first person I shared the devasting news with, joined my son surfing the heavenly skies, ironically on Father’s Day. As if that wasn’t enough, my marriage recently broke down. At this point things were spiraling downwards and I asked myself: “Where do I go from here?”

“Where do we go from here?” That’s a very good question that we ask ourselves on a daily basis. 

Do we just continue with going to work and providing for our families? Do we continue to go home to our loved ones and telling them everything is ok?  Or when it’s late at night, do we scroll on our phones to see images of the loved ones we’ve lost, travelling down the dark tunnel of despair? It’s a tough pill to swallow, but the reality is that we often cry in pain, and suffer in silence.

I am a prime example of one of those people who wanted to be everyone else’s hero and anchor of support. Maybe it was pride, but I felt that somehow, I needed to be “responsible.”

How did I define “responsible”? Here are a few examples:

• Taking care of spouse
• Taking care of children
• Taking care of parents
• Taking care of pets
• Taking care of finances
• Taking care of putting food on the table
• Taking care of the home
• Taking care of friends
• Taking care of business
• Taking care of job
• Taking care of strangers
• Taking care of myself

A lot of thoughts come into play when we have to deal with these types of struggles.

Should we get help?

Do we turn to drugs and alcohol, or other addictive activities?

Or do we just end it all and join our loved ones on the other side?

At times, this last option seemed very tempting, because sometimes I wonder what there is left to fight for?  Weekly visits to the cemetery and celebrating certain events with Bruce do help me cope with the pain. To that extent, he does give me a purpose to keep on going and maintain a trajectory of hope for his legacy. 

Reflecting on my own struggles, I try every single day to tell myself to keep going. At times, I just wanted to give up, but I always remind myself that Bruce does not want me to fail. He gives me strength, he gives me purpose, he gives me courage, he gives me hope, and he makes sure that I don’t give up on myself or any of my loved ones who depend on me. 

Suffering from infant loss is no easy task, let alone being a single father. However, God has a purpose for each and every one of us, and has determined what path we are to follow.

For those who have suffered the loss of a child or loved one, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Always remember that those we have lost give us hope and purpose so we don’t have to ask ourselves the question:  “Where do we go from here?”

Fred Y-F Li lives in Vancouver and is a member of Butterfly Run Canada, which is holding its Butterfly Run Vancouver event Oct. 5. Visit butterflyrun.ca/vancouver for more information.

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Gardens of Gethsemani to hold pregnancy loss Mass on Oct. 12

Every year, more than 15,000 miscarriages occur in British Columbia — an estimated 23 million globally — and the Society of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists of Canada estimates that at least 15 to 20 per cent of pregnancies end in miscarriage or stillbirth. 

To recognize pregnancy loss and infant death, Oct. 15 is marked annually as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, when in the past prominent places like Science World and BC Place have lit up with a “Wave of Light” featuring distinctive purple lights to spread awareness of infant loss, including miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, ectopic pregnancy, abortion, and the death of a newborn.

In collaboration with Catholic Cemeteries and Elizabeth Ministry, a special Pregnancy and Infant Loss Mass will be held on Saturday, Oct. 12, at 2:30 p.m. at Gardens of Gethsemani Cemetery to honour the lives of infants and children who have died at any age. At this Mass, families are invited to light a candle and write the names of little ones on slips of paper that will be collected and placed on the altar.

Light refreshments will be available, and a Rosary walk to the Jesus and the Children Garden will take place for families to gather and pray with one another after the Mass. Elizabeth Ministry volunteers will be at the Mass and reception to meet with bereaved families.

Elizabeth Ministry (EM) is an international movement rooted in the beliefs of the Catholic faith. In the Archdiocese of Vancouver, members focus on offering prayers and peer support to bereaved families grieving the loss of young children, toddlers, and infants of any age, from conception onward. It organizes socials, talks, and events in parishes. For more information or to volunteer, visit ElizabethMinistryBC.ca. An Elizabeth Ministry Open House will be held on Sunday, Oct. 27, from 4:30 to 6:30 p.m. at St. Nicholas Parish in Langley. All are welcome.

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