When I was about thirteen years old, I caught myself in yet another conversation with … myself. As the only girl in a family with three brothers, I had my own room. This provided ample opportunity to sort out my thoughts and whispered utterances in the privacy of my personal space became commonplace. This particular day, however, has become a core memory because I remember the very moment that I realized I was not really talking to myself; I was talking to God.
I had learned the memorized prayers that most Catholic children do. When I made deliberate attempts to pray, these prayers were the words I leaned on. On that day, however, I realized that in making decisions and “consulting” with my conscience, I was actually communicating with God. This moment changed the trajectory of my spiritual life because it encouraged me to learn how to listen.
While it took me another twenty years, or more, to become comfortable with spontaneous prayer in front of other people, I began to deliberately talk to God, privately, multiple times every day. Of course, God had always been part of the conversation; I just hadn’t acknowledged Him.
Our traditional and formal prayers are wonderful ways to get the conversation started. They open our hearts and minds, they focus our intentions on what is needed in our lives and in the world, and they ensure that we take the time to envelop ourselves in the Sign of the Cross, welcoming spiritual thinking during our days.
As I said, though, these formal prayers are just starting points. Jesus gave us the words to the Our Father to show us how to begin (Matthew 6: 9-13); however, God has always sought a relationship with us and wants us to speak to Him in our own words as well.
I have heard many people say that they don’t know how to have prayerful conversations with God. As a result, I appreciated an article written by Dominican Sister Maria Fatima on the Blessed is She platform. Sister states, “I can be tempted in prayer to ensure I’m saying, doing, asking, or sharing the correct things with the Lord. Sometimes, it looks like I am trying to make my journal entries sound like something out of Saint Thérèse’s Story of a Soul or Saint Catherine of Siena’s Dialogue. Then I realize, that’s not me. The Lord doesn’t want to hear my best imitation of the Saints. He wants to hear my heart from me, even, if I’m being honest, ‘me’ sounds a little raw, unpolished, confused, and vulnerable.”
Thirteen-year-old me was most certainly “raw” in expression and, as I’ve grown older, my imperfections have grown alongside my love for the Lord. God created me for relationships, and the first relationship He desires for me is a relationship shared with Him.
At this stage of my life, I enjoy reading and listening to music to inspire my personal prayers. Not only do they awaken questions and thoughts within me, but I also discover words that I can use in my conversations with others and in my personal journal entries.
Many people in my current life just assume that I have always been comfortable sharing my faith. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, as someone who was terrified of spontaneous prayer, I began writing down my thoughts when I was asked to lead prayer in my school staffroom. Those written prayers eventually became my first columns for this newspaper over twenty years ago, but that doesn’t mean that everyone is called to draft and edit some of their prayers.
We are, however, all called into conversation with God. He wants to be included in our inner dialogue. He welcomes our unfiltered streams of consciousness, our tears of frustration and joy, our words of doubt and anger, our pros and cons lists, and our unbridled joy in the miracles of daily life.
After all, He is listening and holding us up, regardless of whether we acknowledge His presence or not. For, in Matthew’s Gospel, we hear “Do not babble like the pagans, who think they will be heard because of their many words. [. . .] Your Father knows what you need before you ask Him” (Matthew 6:7-8).
As Sister Maria Fatima says, “Prayer isn’t about our crafting the perfect formula so that God will hear and answer. Prayer is about an honest expression of the heart. Bring the good, the bad, and the ugly. […] Let’s be real with God!”