A dear spiritual father once described me as a little flame who refuses to be put out. At the time, his description was apt, and I was grateful for his accurate reflection, what Conrad Baars called affirmation.
Earlier this year, however, the imagery of a resilient flame no longer resonated with me. I was so challenged that several times over, I felt that I was nearly put out. And to be frank, right now I can say that I have been put out.
For the past three years upon the season of Advent, I have written about light. Today, I honestly cannot write about the light, not when I can no longer perceive it. So, I will write about the darkness.
In the darkness, I am learning:
To trust
That God is still there
To remain present to the darkness
Rather than to strain for the light
Light that is, out of turn
For that resistance would only amount
To greater stress, to greater tension
Lest I grow content in deceiving myself
Over that which is contrived
Perhaps why now the imagery of "the little flame who refuses to be put out" no longer resonates with me is because God is in the midst of growing my awareness of the foundation beneath me, that is, the thick and stubborn base of a pillar candle, one that is not only resilient but that shall be in the end more beautiful to behold and fragrant to burn once drawn out from the shadows.
Last November, when I connected Lent to Advent and Easter to Christmas I shared that I was waiting for the arrival of our little miracle made known to us at Easter and due at Christmas. His name is Pascal Emmet Emanuel.
While we chose “Pascal” primarily as a play on “paschal,” Pascal happens also to be a unit of pressure. It has been under the severe pressures of this past year that I have grown into the kind of resiliency spoken of in 2 Cor 4: 8-9.
"We are hard-pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”
It turns out that I am not merely wick and flame. As such, while I may be put out I remain standing even if for now only in the dark.
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