If someone asked you what subjects are taboo for many Catholics, anger at God or feelings of doubt in God’s providence may not be the first that come to mind. But Julia Raeder, head volunteer of the Bereavement Ministry at Our Lady of Assumption Parish in Port Coquitlam, knows otherwise.
“As Christians we know that God has a plan,” she says. “But in the hour of our darkest sorrow and deepest pit of grief, we may not be ready to hear it or willing to accept it.”
Psychologist Denis Boyd recently addressed the journey of grief in a talk at the John Paul II Pastoral Centre to about 75 people, from parish leaders in bereavement ministry to individuals who have experienced recent loss and wanted to learn more about healthy grieving. A number were there because of the grief that comes from struggling with infertility, relationship challenges, and/or the ambiguous losses that come from loneliness, unfulfilled dreams, and other struggles.
What struck me and many of the participants was the spirit of joy and even humour in the midst of this difficult topic. Perhaps it is because people who are willing to face grief are often grounded in something greater than themselves. For us as Catholics death isn’t the final word, and we believe that love and compassion go a long way in journeying with those who have lost a loved one. As I heard someone say in a talk this summer: The more love we can interiorize, the better we can face and accept the reality of suffering.
Nevertheless, we learned from Denis that in the face of someone else’s grief, sometimes more than talking about Jesus and the eternal truths we know, we need to focus on being Jesus. We do so in the way we listen, in the way we are present, in how we journey non-judgmentally, and in how we reach out and take initiative without waiting for the person who is grieving to reach out to us first.
During the time of socializing and networking afterward it was great to see different bereavement ministries sharing information, while people who were interested in grief support reached out and asked for help.
One attendee was Julia Raeder, who had started Assumption’s bereavement ministry. Talking with her and hearing from many other grief support facilitators, I was reminded of the quote from Helen Keller: “Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming of it.”
We currently have about 15 parishes in the Archdiocese of Vancouver offering grief support or planning to do so in the near future. Raeder kindly agreed to share some of the experience and fruits of her ministry:
With the support and direction of Father James Hughes, we have started a volunteer-led ministry that provides Catholic grief and loss support to parishioners, family, friends, and the community.
We currently run a weekly bereavement support group every Tuesday evening, open to parishioners and the wider community grieving the death of a loved one. This group provides a safe and confidential space to speak openly about the loss in the context of their faith, while still being able to speak honestly about some of the more conflicting emotions they may be experiencing. While many of the conversations centre around the participants’ deep love for Christ and gratitude for the strength he provides them in their time of need, more “taboo” topics are also often discussed.
Our group provides a safe space to speak openly about the loss in the context of faith, while still being able to speak honestly about some of the more conflicting emotions they may be experiencing. While many of the conversations centre around the participants’ deep love for Christ and gratitude for the strength he provides them in their time of need, “off-limits” topics also come up: questions about why God has allowed this, the “unfairness” of the loss, and in some cases anger at God for allowing the loss to occur. These sensitive topics are often too difficult to speak about with family and friends for fear of being judged or having their faith questioned. Our Catholic bereavement support services ensure that participants have the space to talk freely and openly and reconcile these difficult emotions in complete confidentially and without judgment or well-intentioned but unsolicited advice.
The participant feedback has been very positive, with most returning weekly as their schedules permit. A regular participant recently shared, “Coming to the support group, I have a glimmer of hope and feel my heart is starting to heal.”
Participants who had attended secular groups in the past spoke of feeling restricted in how much they could talk about their grief journey in the context of their faith. One of the most frequent comments we hear is how comforting and supportive it is to come together with others who share their beliefs – to be able to speak openly about their faith, prayer life, and belief in God and not feel criticized or ridiculed.
As participants share their individual struggles and experiences, it illuminates the underlying common painful threads of loss and sorrow that weave through each of their lives and can hit them in waves when they least expect it. These common threads create an unspoken but understood bond between the participants and becomes a source of strength and healing.
Our participants have shared that although they know their pain will not magically disappear and the love for those they have lost will always remain, they know and feel that slowly healing is occurring.
For those who have experienced a very recent loss, and with the understanding that grief is often complicated, confusing, and incredibly private, our volunteers also provide one-on-one support to individuals when possible.
As Christians we know that God has a plan, but in the hour of our darkest sorrow and deepest pit of grief, we may not be ready to hear it or willing to accept it. Our volunteers are here to walk alongside the bereaved in their journey, to actively listen to their struggles, comfort them in their sorrow, briefly ease the weight of their burden, pray with them when asked, and pray for them daily until they are able to once again feel the warm light and comfort of God’s healing grace in their lives.
For those looking for bereavement resources please check https://rccav.org/journeying-through-grief. For those looking for a parish currently offering bereavement support please email me at [email protected].
Anna Loch is Outreach Manager at Gardens of Gethsemani Catholic cemeteries.