The first months of 2022 were a rollercoaster, or perhaps like a bungee jump that dips into a mud pit. Each time you swing down you get immersed in the swamp and then come up again hoping for relief, air, and sunshine. Then gravity starts pulling you back down to that dark place.
I got COVID at the beginning of the year, and it affected my sleep and rattled my nerves. As soon as I thought I was getting some relief, I’d be back at ground zero or feeling even worse. I was weak, depleted, and even struggled with memory loss for some time.
I knew by faith that God allows everything for our good and that suffering has value, but sometimes I felt betrayed by God and my own body. There is something about experiencing both ups and downs that feels even more challenging somehow. You get your hopes up, and then the loss of that which we hoped for can be very disappointing and painful.
On one of those days where I couldn’t understand what was going on and why I wasn’t feeling better, I turned to Our Lady and asked her to please help me.
I listened in silence and felt her inviting me into her experience during the Passion and death of her son. Closing my eyes, I remembered the scene of the scourging from the movie The Passion of the Christ. I imagined how Our Lady must have felt when they first started scourging Jesus. How part of her couldn’t believe this was happening. How she felt Jesus’ pain in her own flesh and how in her heart she would be praying and hoping: Enough, please stop! That is enough!
Then the soldier would stop for a couple of seconds and she would get her hopes up – that maybe this was it, that they had finished.
But then they would take out another tool of torture, even worse than the first, and it would begin again; and then again; and again.
As if that wasn’t enough, they crowned him with thorns, mocking him.
I could go on and on, through the carrying of the cross and the crucifixion itself.
The following short meditation on Our Lady’s sorrow and how her heart experienced little moments of relief before plunged again into bitter pain brought me to tears for Our Blessed Mother. This compassion and co-suffering also brought me a comfort and peace beyond understanding. She understood my pain, my disillusionment at the ups and downs. She not only understood it but suffered it to a much greater degree.
This comfort I received by meditating on Our Lady’s sorrow reminded me of the promises of Our Lady to those who contemplate her Seven Sorrows, especially the third promise:
1) I will grant peace to their families.
2) They will be enlightened about the divine Mysteries.
3) I will console them in their pains and I will accompany them in their work.
4) I will give them as much as they ask for as long as it does not oppose the adorable will of my divine Son or the sanctification of their souls.
5) I will defend them in their spiritual battles with the infernal enemy and I will protect them at every instant of their lives.
6) I will visibly help them at the moment of their death—they will see the face of their mother.
7) I have obtained this grace from my divine Son, that those who propagate this devotion to my tears and dolors will be taken directly from this earthly life to eternal happiness, since all their sins will be forgiven and my Son will be their eternal consolation and joy.
At work we have two beautiful statues of the Pieta: Our Lady holding Jesus’ dead body after his crucifixion. This is Mary saying yes with her own body: holding Jesus, but not grasping him. It is a yes in total surrender to God’s will. It reminds me of something Sister Catherine Mary Clarke, FSE, said in a webinar not long ago quoting the foundress of her order, Sister Rosemae Pender: “The more you die before you die, the less you have to die when you die.”
By this she meant that the more you learn to surrender, die to self, and let go and let God, the easier it is to let go in the end. It really struck me and inspired me to not wait until death to learn to die, but to say yes daily to God, accepting whatever he sends or allows in my life, giving him the steering wheel.
Suffering is never pleasant, but how comforting it is to know that Jesus and Mary have gone through everything we experience, and that just like Mary did, we can offer our sufferings in union with the sufferings of Jesus for the salvation of souls. We can become in a sense co-redeemers with Christ.
Saint Mother Teresa said the worst waste is wasted suffering. St. Faustina said that the angels envy us for two things: being able to receive Holy Communion, and being able to suffer.
Let’s turn to Our Lady who invites us to embrace our crosses in union with her, keeping in mind the sufferings of Jesus and her own pain. Through her intercession may any suffering we experience bring us closer to Our Lord and bear fruit for the salvation of souls.