Divorced but not abandoned: the Church as a source of healing for broken marriages

If your marriage has crumbled and it feels like the Church has turned its back on you, Amanda Chang wants you to know you belong.

The Star of the Sea parishioner has helped launch two ministries for divorced and separated Catholics in the last year, stressing that turning toward God and the Church, not away from them, is what leads to profound healing.

“A lot of us going into marriage had a lot of hope about what marriage and family life would be. None of us thought that we would get a divorce, especially for us Catholic women and men,” Chang told The B.C. Catholic.

“When it happens … we feel like we failed. We failed because we couldn’t hold on to that Catholic marriage we aspired to have.”

She knows the feeling intimately; about five years ago she learned her husband of seven years was in a relationship with someone else. She moved across Canada to Vancouver  with their two-year-old daughter to be close to family and cope with intense feelings of rejection and resentment.

“Often we think: ‘What went wrong? How could I do it better?’ In cases of infidelity, or when your ex-spouse chooses someone else, ‘What did I do wrong? Why am I not any better?’”

She became so lost in her own pain that she wasn’t able to care for her young daughter’s needs. The girl ended up in hospital after refusing to eat or drink. Doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with her.

Chang, still new to the Greater Vancouver area and unfamiliar with the parish she was attending, reached out to the Archdiocese of Vancouver and asked for a priest to pray for her daughter.

“I went back and I found out it was an emotional issue. My daughter was hungry, she wanted to eat, but she didn’t want to break up that cookie,” instead choosing to keep it intact. “It made me realize she actually understood what was going on.”

That was when Chang realized her life wasn’t the only one depending on her own healing. She began seeking healing in earnest, praying in front of the Blessed Sacrament, getting spiritual direction, and trying to forgive her ex-husband.

“The only thing that anchored me then was my faith in God. He is the only one I can turn to and I just hold fast to him,” she said. “I would sit there and cry and talk to Jesus and be like: ‘This is all my pain, this is my resentment, I am angry at all of these things.’ I would pour out my heart to him. I would keep telling him, ‘Lord, help me to forgive him. I don’t know how to forgive this guy. I really can’t. But I know with your grace you can help me.’”

Three years after their separation, Chang was able to let go of her bitterness, forgive her ex-husband, and come to accept that her worth comes from God, not her circumstances. She can now speak with her former husband in a friendly manner and truthfully tell her daughter she’s forgiven Dad.

“When you are set free by the Lord, you feel so much more liberated from all those things that held you down, your resentment, your pain, your suffering, your anger. You let all of those go and you are liberated in the Lord,” she said. “You realize you are loved, you are enough, and you are made in his image and likeness. At the very core of healing is that acceptance and freedom.”

Now, Chang is trying to help others find that peace. She launched St. Jude’s, an outreach to women experiencing divorce and separation at Star of the Sea Parish, and was invited to join the working group behind the Archdiocese of Vancouver’s new ministry to divorced Catholic men and women in 2019.

“For those who are willing to live and abide by the Church’s teaching, but are in desolation and needing help, we are here for you.”

Chang said a lack of support or misconceptions about Church teaching has historically led some divorced or separated Catholics to abandon their parishes and seek help from other Christian denominations. She hopes ministries like hers can help them realize they are not alone.

“These people are part of the Church. All of us are sinners. All of us have made mistakes one way or another in our lives. Whatever that is, what these people really need is compassion from others.”

So far, 11 women (some of whom faced separation many decades ago) have joined St. Jude’s. The peer support group offers events, prayer, and a place to feel welcome. Chang is also in the process of putting together a list of counsellors, spiritual guidance, lawyers, and other local resources.

Now in its inaugural year, the archdiocese’s ministry to divorced Catholics has had about 160 people tune in to streamed events.

“We know that is a group in our parish communities that have felt particularly isolated and lacking support,” said organizer Megan Rumohr.

She had hoped to officially launch the new ministry with a retreat last spring but because of the COVID-19 pandemic had to pivot to a series of online events, small-group discussions, and virtual Rosaries. Attendees can anonymously tune into presentations, or connect with others at events with small-group discussions.

The next event is an online gathering to pray the Rosary together Oct. 22.

Rumohr said the ministry’s biggest priority is “making sure those who are divorced or separated know that they are important members of our faith community.”

For the launch of the ministry, Archbishop J. Michael Miller, CSB, released a video message assuring members they are an integral part of the community and that they can count on the prayers of countless of Catholics.

“Your healing is vitally important to us, but more than that, it’s vitally important to the Lord himself.”

“Every story is different,” said Chang. 

“When your life is torn to pieces, you turn to God. That’s where we find our conversion and our healing. These things are not easy. Everybody is going through it at their own pace, their own time.”

More information is at rcav.org/divorced-and-separated..

Resources:

A list of local, professional counsellors is available here.

The Archdiocese of Vancouver is currently offering four presentations about divorce and single parenthood on YouTube:

• They Understand Because They’ve Been There: Catholic Saints Who Have Lived Through Divorce with Father John Horgan
• Divorce and Separation in the Church: Secondary Loss and Trauma with Father Bryan Duggan
• Catholic Teaching on Marriage and Annulments with Dr. Lynda Robitaille
• Parenting on the Wings of Faith for Single Parents with Don Lasell

See also the Surviving Divorce program by Ascension Press or the US-based Divorced Catholic resource hub.

For adult children of divorce, programs include Life-Giving Wounds and Restored Ministry.

The Archdiocese of Vancouver will offer an online rosary with and for divorced and separated Catholics Thursday, Oct. 22. For help in prayer, see also the prayer card below.