If you’d like to date, and meet, a Catholic man or woman, don’t expect TV shows to help. While platforms like Netflix offer shows such as Jewish Matchmaking, there aren’t any Catholic counterparts.
So how do young adults of faith connect with potential husbands and wives in the 21st century? The most common method, in my experience, is online dating.
It was a profile on Bumble, an online secular dating app, that eventually helped me find my wife after years of unsuccessful dating, mostly online.
My journey to meet Adeline, my wife, included dating outside of the faith, as the field of potential Catholic matches in Metro Vancouver can appear limited, especially if you attend the same young adults group each month.
Secular dating apps became my friend, and one of them, Bumble, eventually introduced me to my wife, who is Catholic. But this one success came after roughly 40 unsuccessful online matches.
For me, “Catholic” wasn’t a requirement for a wife. I’ve observed that relationships can be successful despite only one person identifying with the Catholic faith. My wife and I know several couples who are being married in the Catholic Church this year, despite not sharing the faith.
It’s also been my experience that both partners being Catholic, sometimes in name only, doesn’t ensure that they’re devout or strong in their faith.
However, it was important for me to look for someone with similar beliefs. And since my circle of friends is not entirely Catholic, it was also a priority to find a wife who could be comfortable around diverse people and situations.
So, here is my behind the scenes report on Catholic dating and how it led to our becoming husband and wife.
Swing, and a miss
In 2016, at age 27, I started online dating. I signed up for catholicmatch.com and christianmingle.com. Meantime, I went to swing dance in Abbotsford. It was an opportunity to learn a skill (dance) and to meet new people in a safe environment.
One of the dancers happened to be Catholic, and we started to dance (and talk), resulting in an actual relationship!
Although this was a more traditional way of meeting, it was the only relationship that developed through eight years of dance.
We eventually realized we weren’t for each other and ended our relationship on good terms.
Online isn’t reality
During the start of COVID in 2020, I returned to online dating. This time, I tried Catholic Match, “the #1 Catholic dating site,” according to its website. While I made an online connection and we exchanged messages, we didn’t meet up for a few weeks. Once we did, we walked around Fort Langley and discussed many things. It was apparent we weren’t a match, but it hadn’t been clear until we met face-to-face.
The experience highlighted for me the importance of meeting in-person, and encouraged me to suggest getting together for a coffee date as soon as possible.
Christian yes, Catholic no
Bumble, an online app which requires that “women make the first move” by sending the first message, provided a connection in 2020. The app allows individuals to identify their religion, but “Catholic” was not an option at that point (this has since changed). As a result, two “Christians” connected and walked around Langley spending a couple of hours together laughing and telling stories, until the question, “Which church do you attend?” finally came up.
She identified with a Protestant church, and I said mine was Immaculate Conception in Delta. That prompted a text afterward to say she was not interested in dating a Catholic.
It wasn’t the only time “Catholic” was a bad word, but the experience didn’t stop me from dating outside of the faith.
Dzień dobry!
Catholic Match, which currently costs $10.99/month for six months, connects marriage seekers with Catholics around the world – including Poland. Searching through profiles in 2021 led me to a Polish woman who occasionally visited family in Vancouver. We chatted for weeks, which was a challenge due to the time difference. It was also challenging when we realized our different political perspectives, despite applying both through a Catholic lens. Having fruitful discussion isn’t easy when you can’t meet in-person.
Online danger
An online profile, although lacking identifiable information, can give everyone on the internet hints of who you are, and as a result someone may be able to identify you and find you in other places. This happened to me while using Catholic Match. An unknown sender, using my name, career, and other identifiers, found me in a search engine, which led her to my Instagram profile where she contacted me. She admitted to this, saying she wanted to connect over Instagram since she didn’t want to pay for messaging through Catholic Match. After a few messages, our discussion ended, but the experience caused me to change my online profiles from “Tim” to “TJ.”
Not you, but your friend?
Imagine an environment where a group of young people, mostly Catholic, meet monthly to discuss topics related to “facing their future.” Personal Project is run by the International Federation for Family Development, a non-governmental agency which helped me to end a relationship thanks to the important discussions that took place. The program also introduced me to another young lady. Although we weren’t a perfect connection, one of her Catholic friends caught my attention at a party we were both attending. (I still wonder, is it acceptable to tell someone she’s not a match, but you wouldn’t mind being introduced to her Catholic friend? After all, as Catholics search for love, it might help if we work together.)
Not me, but my friend?
Another match made on catholicmatch.com only lasted two dates. However, we stayed connected on Facebook, and she reached out months later to ask if I’d be interested in going out with her friend. We set up a date, during which her friend and I were able to discuss our faith and similarities. It wasn’t meant to be, but I’m thankful for the opportunity. To this day, the original date and I remain connected on Facebook.
Coffee isn’t as expensive
Another date wasn’t Catholic, but she was a successful teacher on the North Shore. She messaged me on Bumble and agreed to meet for a drink. We had great conversation and enjoyed a few drinks and a meal, resulting in a pricey bill. We met again but eventually realized we weren’t a match, highlighting the importance of meeting in-person as soon as possible, but for a coffee rather than dinner.
“Catholic” by name
On secular dating apps like Hinge or Bumble, members can currently list themselves as “Catholic.” However, this doesn’t mean they practise their faith. I connected in 2021 with a Catholic who was funny and attractive. We hit it off, but it eventually became clear that although she identified as Catholic, she didn’t attend Mass or share important beliefs. We discussed this and agreed to go our separate ways.
Found her!
Returning to Bumble, I was messaged by a woman from Port Coquitlam who identified as Catholic. We connected, and fast-forward to the present, we’ve been married for one year!
Online dating was successful for me and others I know. However, I’m not suggesting it’s the only way to meet someone, especially if the preference is Catholic. My wife and I have discussed how we had mutual friends, both lived in the Lower Mainland, but never (knowingly) crossed paths. This is where we may be able to help other Catholics connect. Married people should assist those who are trying to meet a potential husband or wife by inviting them to events where other singles are around. It’s not matchmaking but providing opportunities.
Earlier this year, we had a bowling event in which Adeline invited her single friends, and I invited mine. We mixed in some couples so it wouldn’t be awkward. Everyone had an excellent time, even if no one matched (yet).
Trying to find your future husband or wife can take some effort, patience, and prayer (St. Raphael is the patron saint of those seeking a marriage partner). But stick with it. If God is calling you to marriage, it will happen in his time, and it will change your life.
“Yo, real talk!” Ask her out!
By Nicholas Elbers
There are many ways a Catholic can meet their spouse: a singles speed dating event, a late-night study session in university, even the sign of peace at Mass. But it’s not often that a couple falls in love by starting an apostolate, which is the story behind Daniel and Anabella Ma’s mutual encounter.
The two met in the far-flung pre-lockdown days of early 2020. Daniel was with the Newman Centre and was organizing the choir for the annual University Mass at Holy Rosary Cathedral. Anabella (then Nootebos) was there expecting praise and worship music. What she experienced blew her away.
The music was beautiful, and she remembered hearing Daniel’s singing voice for the first time. “It was like a warm hug,” she said.
Daniel said the Newman Centre choir was actually inspired by Anabella, who he had heard playing the organ with the Catholic Pacific College chamber choir at a previous University Mass. That experience inspired him, giving him a greater appreciation for sacred music.
Anabella was similarly inspired after the 2020 University Mass and contacted the Newman Centre to express her appreciation for their music. Eventually she and Daniel ran into each other at a young adult event, where she asked him to moderate the Sacred Music Sunday Facebook page she had created to promote traditional sacred music.
The Facebook group started as a place for people to post videos of themselves singing polyphony or chanting and to discuss sacred music.
Daniel was thrilled to find someone with whom he shared a passion, and their first phone conversation lasted nearly three and a half hours. They also realized they had more in common than just their interest in music.
Anabella said she was drawn to Daniel not just because of his interest in music but because of his passion for organization.
“There are people out there who like sacred music,” said Anabella, “but there are only a select few who want to form choirs, want to sing it, and want to be involved.”
Through the Facebook group, they eventually formed a choir, which was asked to record music for the 2021 Archdiocesan Advent Retreat and provide music for the streamed University Mass during the pandemic restrictions.
At a personal level, they were apprehensive to let things develop past friendship in case it jeopardized the choir or the organization they were building. They wanted to keep things professional.
“There is still that wholesome fun you can have with a group of people,” said Daniel.
They became close friends, which he said was good not only for their future relationship, but also as choir directors.
“It was very natural,” said Daniel. “We cared a lot for each other, which is the hallmark of a good friendship.”
They laugh about it now, but Daniel was unaware that Anabella was dating other young men, even though none of them made the cut.
Despite their excellent qualities, “they never quite felt up to standard,” she said. “Then I realized my standard was Daniel!”
Things started to get more serious when Anabella found herself in the middle of a personal tragedy and Daniel stepped in to offer emotional support. He tried his best to accompany her without romantic expectations, and the experience helped him to accept that his intentions were honourable.
“That is when I knew my love for her was genuine,” he said.
Their friendship deepened, but it wasn’t until Anabella went on a date with a particularly great guy that she realized it was no use. He should have been good enough, but she wasn’t satisfied.
“That was the last straw,” she said. She couldn’t ignore it anymore; she wanted to be with Daniel.
She decided to confide about her feelings by talking with her brother Anthony, who sang in their choir and was a good friend of Daniel.
“That’s the least surprising thing I have ever heard!” Anthony said after she shared her feelings for Daniel.
Unknown to her, Anthony had started texting Daniel during their conversation. “Yo, real talk,” read the text. “Have you ever thought about asking Anabella out? Because if you do, you have my blessing.”
That was the sign Daniel had been waiting for.
A week later, Daniel asked Anabella out on a date while they were praying in the John Paul II Pastoral Centre Chapel.
He still remembers her reply: “I’ve been waiting for you to ask me this for a long time.”
The rest, as they say, is history. The couple was married on Dec. 30, during a Solemn Latin High Mass at Holy Rosary Cathedral, the same location where they first encountered each other and where they went to on their first date.
Their choir has provided music for Masses at the cathedral, Archdiocese of Vancouver Upper Room Conferences, and many other events.