Special to The B.C. Catholic

Like all human beings, I’ve experienced my share of pain and suffering.

I was born into a violent, alcoholic home. If the clock struck six and my father wasn’t home yet, I knew there was going to be hell to pay that night.

My earliest childhood memories, at the age of four and five, are of my father coming home drunk and creating mind-bending chaos. He would smash plates, swear, be very aggressive, and from time to time beat my mother and threaten to kill her with his rifle. I remember being terrified of losing my mother and of being killed.

My strategy to protect myself was to hold my breath so my father wouldn’t hear me in my bed and wouldn’t realize I was there. I felt like a coward because I could not help my mother. I felt so bad. I suffered physical, emotional, and psychological abuse from my father.

Three and half years ago, I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder.

At a young age, I had low self-esteem. I learned to be ashamed of myself. I never felt good enough for myself, or anyone else. I had serious behavioural problems in school. I caused chaos in classrooms for my teachers and classmates. At 11, we moved and I was not able to adapt properly. I always felt different from others, wasn’t able to fit in, felt unwanted, and suffered a tremendous sense of loneliness.

In order to try and comfort myself, I started using food as a substance – primarily junk food and food that was sugar laden, like chocolate and ice cream. I also used other foods like potato chips and candy. I started drinking alcohol, and smoking cigarettes at 12, and this gave me a feeling like I could let go and try to fit in. I became really good at consuming alcohol and smoked two packs of cigarettes a day for the next 28 years.

At 13, I started smoking marijuana daily. I experimented with cocaine, LSD, and hashish later in my teenage years. Thankfully, I was afraid of needles.

I had no regard for others or myself. All of this substance abuse masked the pain I had suffered as a child and was suffering as a teenager. I tried to commit suicide at 17 by overdosing on a bottle of painkillers. At 19, I slammed my car into a steel barrier at about 160 km/h. I was serious about wanting to stop the pain and kill myself.

Thankfully, God had other plans for me. After a considerable amount of work, I’m able to forgive my parents today. I’m able to have compassion for both of them, have understanding of where it is they come from, and love them as they are. I’m also able to forgive myself for the numerous mistakes I’ve made in my life and have done my level best to make amends to the people I’ve harmed.

A big part of the reason why I’m able to do this is because of working the 12-steps system* in various recovery programs.

Although I would have been suited to attend Al-Anon, Al-Ateen, Narcotics Anonymous, or Nicotine Anonymous, I am in Alcoholics Anonymous and Overeaters Anonymous.

Because of the 12-step programs and receiving treatment at a rehabilitation centre, I recently received the gift of 30 years of sobriety. I’m 14 years cigarette free and I’m in my fourth year of abstinence from using food as a substance. I have also lost 136 pounds.

One day at a time.

I can’t take credit for any of this. All of the miracles I experience on a daily basis are granted by the grace of God.

Of course, it’s necessary for me to do the footwork, like go to 12-step meetings, work the 12 steps on a daily basis, read the literature, pray, meditate, exercise, practise self-care, and help others who are continuing to suffer from addiction.

When I came to my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting at 19, I was a proud atheist. The members told me that was okay. I was afraid to be there. But after listening to the speaker, I felt understood for the first time in my life. For the first time, I felt like I wasn’t alone in trying to deal with my inner demons. I knew I belonged with these people. In time, I realized we would share in the same solution to our problems.

As an adult in recovery (I’m 54 now), I’ve experienced my share of ups and downs. Some highlights have been: the ongoing recovery process; experiencing the birth and life of my daughters; establishing fulfilling relationships; experiencing travel; and helping others. Some lowlights have been: the loss of my son and a failed marriage.

I’m continuing to learn how to live life on life’s terms, without abusing substances.

Today, I have a wonderful relationship with God. I’m happy and joyous beyond words, experience a great deal of peace, am in the best physical health of my life, and I rarely feel cravings for substances.

One day, I looked around the room at a 12-step meeting and saw a couple of members named Joy and Grace. I thought about that. I realized then, my name is Freedom.

I’m able to feel all of my feelings without wanting to numb them. These are the best days of my life on a consistent basis. I’ve been given an amazing life!

After a process of thorough and fearless soul searching, I know who I am today. I can love, and accept myself as I am. I can allow myself to be loved today. I can love others.

Paul Emile lives in Victoria.

*In Archbishop Miller’s Pastoral Statement on Vancouver’s Overdose Crisis, he called on the Catholic community to promote support services that address mental health and addiction issues, such as 12-step programs.