Fasting and ‘forced hermitage’ can lead to inner healing in pandemic

As we approach Lent, I ask myself why God would choose to deprive himself of food, people, and comfort for 40 days. Why did Jesus put himself through the experience of feeling weak in the knees, light-headed, and deprived of basic necessities, and then on top of it all be tempted in this position of human deprivation?

For many of us the COVID pandemic has felt like a long-imposed Lenten fast from our favourite things, and even from things that we consider necessary such as Mass and gathering with friends and family.

As difficult as this desert time has been, I’ve seen God work in places of my heart that perhaps could only be reached while fasting in a desert. There is something about fasting and being in silence that brings up things we don’t want to look at or think about.

Back in April, I went on a jog with a girl in my neighborhood and she shared with me that now that she couldn’t travel, she had no escape from the things in life she felt she needed to be distracted or get away from. “I’m really having to deal with my problems head on,” she said. “It’s not easy, but it’s about time.”

For me COVID has been like an extended Lent and it has brought to the surface some undealt with issues I wasn’t even aware existed.

At the end of 2020 I was quite ill. I wasn’t myself for a couple of weeks and because of the restrictions, I didn’t have my usual coping resources. My fears, guilt, and grief felt stronger than usual. My faulty ideas about God and myself made their presence known and became much more apparent.

Sometimes you need to experience the full force of your inner monsters to see the voice of evil in all its shades. When you see it for what it is, you have won most of the battle; and afterwards, you are more able to recognize a temptation for what it is. Attitudes, thoughts and feelings I once thought were from God, I see now were the evil one disguised as an angel of light. I don’t think I would have come to this realization without being in the desert or forced hermitage of COVID.  

I still pray daily for an end to the pandemic, but I’m also grateful for the unveiling of those places in my heart that were stuck.