There are times in life when we are faced with uncomfortable situations and, as my 11-year-old likes to remind me, “God always has a plan.”
During my university days, I attended a few prayer meetings with other Christians. While I felt welcomed by the people in the group, I soon felt isolated as they began to participate in spontaneous prayer. I knew many formal prayers and had private conversations with God; yet, until then, I had never heard other lay people openly vocalize their innermost thoughts and feelings, their gratitude and prayers of petition. I was inspired by their ability to passionately share their faith stories, and terrified that I would be asked to do the same.
I seemed to be the only one in the room who was not familiar with speaking publicly to God, and I grew so anxious deciding how I could possibly express myself aloud that I found it difficult to concentrate on Bible readings and the prayers of others. In the end, I stopped attending the meetings and admittedly felt like a bit of a failure as a Christian.
These feelings of inadequacy never really left me. They prompted me to ask questions of myself and further explore my personal relationship with God, albeit in private. In hindsight, I realize God used these moments of discomfort and discernment as stepping stones toward the faith life I have today.
About five years after my initial shared-prayer experience, I was hired to teach at a Catholic school in Vancouver. I felt secure in knowing I was surrounded by the familiarity of Catholic prayers and forms of worship, until we gathered for staff prayer and my principal began to share an intention. As words fell from her lips, spontaneously articulating her prayers to God and asking us to join in her petition, I remember feeling inspired and likewise troubled, recalling the panicked feelings of those university prayer meetings.
I was nervous, knowing I would be expected to participate in open prayers. I worried about stumbling over my words, of having nothing “impressive” to say, or of simply drawing a blank. Here I was in a Catholic community and, once again, I didn’t quite fit in.
Our staff participated in daily morning prayer, led by a different staff member each day. Leading prayer was more within my comfort zone than spontaneous prayer. I like reading aloud, so I took to finding interesting reflections or stories I could link to a Bible passage. Then I’d sometimes include an intention I had written on paper. It was fine, but eventually I began to have a harder time finding other writers’ prayers or reflections that were suited to what was in my heart and my experiences at the time.
Since I have always enjoyed writing, one day I decided to write my own morning prayer. Although I am comfortable reading in public, reading my own work was different. I felt a little shaky and self-conscious before starting prayer that day, not knowing what people would think of what I had to say, but I proceeded.
My colleagues laughed at the appropriate times and murmured sounds of understanding at others, putting me at ease. With the security of paper and ink in front of me, my words flowed. I had found my voice.
Here I was – that same terrified university student – praying with honesty and vulnerability. I was sharing my experiences and linking them to my faith; yet I was doing so in a way that was more natural for me.
My colleagues encouraged me to continue to write my prayers. One of those colleagues was Marie Luttrell, who wrote the family life column for this newspaper at the time. When she retired, I was one of those hired in her stead.
For 13 years now, I have publicly shared my faith stories in this column – something I never dreamed I would be comfortable doing. God knew my faith would grow if I could articulate it, so he continually placed me in challenging situations to ultimately force me out of my shell. I still shy away from spontaneous prayer, but I can finally share my faith experiences through writing.
What new or uncomfortable situations give you pause? What is God’s plan for you?
