“I pray that, as my children grow up and I see less of what they do and where they go, they will live lives of integrity” with a primary focus on their relationships with God, writes Julie VanSpall.
Locked in my memory is a moment in time from about 10 years ago. All four of my children and I were at a school Mass, which in and of itself certainly doesn’t sound momentous; however, that day was different for me because I felt that I had been given a glimpse of my future children.
My son and two older daughters sat with their respective classes. I was playing the piano, so a friend held my baby. From my unique vantage point at the front of the church, I could see each individual child, existing outside of our family unit.
I had played the piano or organ at Mass many times with my children in attendance before, so I didn’t expect this particular occasion to be symbolic for me. I had likewise been separated from my older children regularly since they went to school all day without me; yet, as I sat on the piano bench and glanced into the congregation, I located each of my young children mixed into a large group of people. Along with a little nostalgia, I also felt a sense of consolation and peace.
My children were all behaving; they all appeared secure; they each made me proud. Furthermore, within the safe confines of our church and parish community, they did not need me right beside them in order to attend Mass.
Every parent prays that their newborn and very dependent children will grow up to become independent. Of course, for a variety of reasons, not every child will reach this stage, but every parent or caregiver hopes to increase their child’s sense of security apart from us. It’s an honour to be needed, but the main goal, from the very beginning, is to raise well-adjusted adults. Obviously, we still want them to enjoy our company and seek our opinions, but ultimately, we want our children to thrive without us.
I readily recalled that school Mass, as we juggled our children’s activities one weekend, recently. Between a soccer tournament, a softball tournament, and my son’s work shift, we were not able to attend our regular Mass time as a family. Using our good friend “Mass finder” (rcav.org/mass-finder), we were able to find Masses in the Lower Mainland which perfectly suited our different schedules.
My husband and one daughter went to St. Pat’s in Vancouver, two girls and I went to St. Matthew’s in Surrey, and our son went to our home parish of IC, Delta. While it was unfortunate that we weren’t able to attend Mass together, we were still one in spirit and action. We each attended God’s house, we heard the same readings of the day, and we each received the Eucharist. My now “big kids” were able to worship in different locations, and yet we were connected under the umbrella of our larger Church: united in faith, one in Christ.
Based on the modelling of our own parents, my husband and I have always tried to show our children that Sunday Mass is the priority regardless of other obligations or extra-curricular activities. Our many weekends of tournaments reinforce this for them. They know that Mass had to be part of the plan, even though that means researching and planning a time for it. It sounds a little business-like and may not be perfect, but not one of them has challenged us on this point ... yet.
Our children are growing up. They are developing close relationships outside of our family. They are studying different things at school, they are beginning to get jobs, and they participate in music and sports. My children are starting their own lives and much of what they do is not on my watch.
There’s a banner in my classroom which reads, “Character: it’s how you live life when no one is looking.” I pray that, as my children grow up and I see less of what they do and where they go, they will live lives of integrity.
I pray that our children will hold onto their faith, as they head out into the world without us. Ten years down the road, I hope that they will continue to focus on their individual relationships with God by attending Mass whether I can see them, or not.