Lately I have been feeling incredibly pensive. A woman I knew in high school died very suddenly and the news has affected me deeply.
I feel overwhelming sympathy for her family, her close friends, and her colleagues. Her children are the same ages as two of my children. Their loss is shocking and devastatingly sad.
In addition to the sobering reality of this news, the fact that a very health-conscious woman – an athlete since her youth – died of a heart attack was a genuine blow. Her age (not even a month my junior) made the concept even harder to believe. Why her? Why now? If it happened to her, it could happen to anyone.
Of course, we all face the certainty of death, but sudden deaths are definite reality checks. They are reminders to act while we have the chance.
Even though I received updates on this woman from a mutual friend, I had not actually seen in her almost 28 years. I had always assumed that I would see her again at some point; however, we live in different provinces and although I visit Ontario most years, she did not live near my family. The timing was never right, and now it will never happen. I shudder to think of the many more “at some point” plans on my list. What am I waiting for?
Alongside the sadness, shock, and regret I currently feel, I have also struggled with something I never expected: old memories. I have always had a good memory, most likely because I make associations. Basically, I remember feelings; the words and the specifics are merely extras. My memory is a gift when I want to savour the cute things my kids used to say, when I know to send a birthday card to someone, or when I want to remember the sound of a laugh or good times with loved ones now deceased; it is a curse when I hold onto moments I would rather forget.
Thinking of my late friend, the years we spent together on the track team, and times hanging out in our group has brought back memories of a significant transition period in my life. She was in my life during my first break-up, issues with teenaged girls, graduating from high school and moving away from home. Some of the changes from that time were positive and exciting; some have resulted in close friendships to this day; others have left deep scars. Disturbingly, I am reliving so many moments that I thought were buried in the past. I have been stewing over things I should have said, and likewise over words I cannot take back.
Dr. Mary Healy in her talk, “God’s Secret Weapon for Healing, Forgiveness,” reflected on the healing aspects of forgiveness. She stated, “… when we are not willing to freely receive God’s gift of forgiveness, we have to hold on to being right, we have to hold on to our anger, we have to hold on to our resentment. But when we freely receive what God has so freely given us, then there’s enough to give away; it overflows. We can live a lifestyle of forgiveness, not walking around, being offended by people, and holding onto various hurts and bitterness and anger that comes from the sins that others have committed against us.”
Even though I thought the past was behind me (in every sense), the last few weeks have reminded me that I have repressed some unresolved hurts. Dr. Healy’s words remind me that I not only need to forgive others for mistakes made when they were younger, but that I also need to forgive myself, realizing that I acted in certain ways because I was younger, too!
I will not see my deceased friend again in this lifetime, but I can cherish the beautiful memories I have of her. I pray for her family, and I thank her for leading me to a place of contemplation, which has given me the chance to confront the past.
Life is short. Learn from mistakes. Forgive – even yourself – without hesitation. May today be “at some point” for at least one thing on your list.
Finally, may our beloved departed rest in peace.
