This might have been the hardest decision I have ever made: my mental clarity and executive functioning on medication – my stable mental health – or my fertility.
I’ve been afraid I will lose the ability to have children because of one of the medications I have been prescribed. My long-time psychiatrist didn’t want me to be on this medicine to begin with. It was an emergency response to the return of my illness from the fall of 2021. He didn’t hide the facts about the severity of the side effects of this one drug.
On one phone call appointment he said to me, “I’m worried about the long-term effect it has and what it has already done.”
“What can we do to fix this?” I wondered.
I consulted with my psychiatrist and God.
I don’t want the gift of motherhood to be stripped from me because of a couple of orange pills.
I’m going to meet God halfway and cooperate with grace. God wants our healing. Our destiny is wholeness.
In the resurrection we are promised a body in heaven without illness or disease.
This new year, I am begging God to bless me with whole body health. I want clarity of mind and fertility. I do not want either to be taken away from me. I need to trust in God that he has the best in store for me.
I turn to my favourite Bible verse to soothe my aching heart. “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope” (Jer. 29:11).
I am motivated to reach my dreams and goals by working on my mental clarity and executive functioning. Since God meets me halfway with his providence and blessing of healing, I have a goal to help keep my mental health stable. It is a necessary task if I want to stop taking this medication and have hope of a future family.
“Never tire of doing what is right” (2 Thes 3:13) keeps me going towards my goal.
I’m being taken off the medication slowly and this transition has been smooth thus far. In the history of my diagnosis, my medications have changed over time. I’ve felt numb and anxious before or have seen a few symptoms of illness reoccur. As I am transitioning off this one medication, I anticipate the change with joy and trepidation.
Thankfully, now with more than a year of stable mental health I can taper off it. My God will not leave me orphaned. He is with me as I take my medications and slowly lessen the dosage of the orange pills. I am not going to be completely off medication. I have other pills I take daily.
To keep my mind clear and functioning well I am determined to exercise. Whether it is walking, running, or dancing – I am going to do my best to stay healthy.
“She listened to her heart. As a voice of better reason. As a little glowing ember that wanted, like the needle of a compass, to lead her to the place where she should be,” says M.H. Clark in Today, Tomorrow & Every Day – Thoughts on Living a Brave and Real and Gorgeous Life.
A couple of friends asked, “Is this going to affect your moods?”
“I don’t know. I think I’m going to be okay.”
I have the will to thrive, my family and friends to sustain me, and my God who lavishes his love upon me.
I believe that anything is possible for those who trust in the mercy and love of God. I know that God answers our prayers in his timing. I entrust my prayer to him and carry a flame of hope in my heart.
I look at myself in the mirror and pray. Then I put on my workout clothes and work up a sweat. It is in the small actions, in prayer and exercise, that I meet God to cooperate in his plans.
As M.H. Clark writes, “I have such tenderness for that woman. I want to sit down with her and tell her that things are going to be more complex than she will ever be able to imagine. And more beautiful too. And that she is going to turn out okay.”
Lisa Rumpel’s podcast, The Will to Thrive: Stories of Resilience, is available on popular streaming services.
