With Valentine’s Day upon us, hearts, flowers, and fairy tales are everywhere.
When I was in my twenties, I wanted to find my soulmate – that perfect guy who loved me unconditionally and with whom I would have a long, always-romantic union. Little did I know I had fallen into a trendy trap.
I managed to avoid the second relationship trap that Andrea Mrozek and Peter Jon Mitchell describe in their book I… Do? as hyper-individualism. Society is telling young women that marriage and motherhood constrain them and lead to unhappiness. Sociologist Brad Wilcox has studied the polling data and has found that women who are married with kids are twice as likely to be very happy with their lives compared to single, childless women.
Now, lest my husband gets the wrong idea when he reads this, I’d like to clarify what I said at the start. I did find that perfect guy, but it’s not perfection in the sense of no flaws. He’s the perfect guy for me. And, yes, I do think we were meant to be together, but I also look at our relationship with eyes both of love and reality.
It’s true that fewer people are getting married. It is also true that those who do get married report being significantly happier than their single counterparts.
In his book Get Married, Brad Wilcox gives these facts:
- Married couples are 40 per cent more likely to be very happy compared to singles.
- Life expectancy is longer, with fewer health issues.
- Married couples are 50 per cent less likely to have depression.
- The median wealth of married couples is four times higher than singles.
Even more interesting are the common priorities shared by the ‘very happy’ couples. Wilcox calls them the five ‘C’s.’
Communion – a we-before-me approach. They share last names, bank accounts, and have regular date nights.
Children – they view raising them as a primary goal. Couples that have regular family fun time reported being 10 per cent happier and families that do chores together reported being 17 per cent happier!
Cash – happy couples share assets. As well, employed men were less likely to divorce whereas, if a woman was unemployed, the divorce rate was not affected.
Community – happier couples are surrounded by others who take marriage and family life seriously. By contrast, Wilcox found that divorce was 70 per cent more likely if a close contact divorced. The mass is there.
Dating once a month results in twice the happiness. For us, date nights are a mental reset. Wilcox found that the best date nights were ones that introduce novelty, avoid contentious topics, and provide an escape from daily stresses.
More also needs to be said about the we-before-me approach. Wilcox found that happiness increased when the family’s needs were put before individual needs. He even found a spouse’s own generosity predicts happiness better than does the generosity of one’s spouse – statistics have now proven that it’s better to give than to receive.
We-before-me examples abound:
- Responding positively to our spouse when they try to connect with us (even saying ‘hello’ is a bid for connection)
- Aiming for five positive actions to every negative one
- Giving others the benefit of the doubt
- Ending an argument when it begins. Psychologist John Gottman found that 69 per cent of arguments are ongoing and will never be resolved!
- Keeping a cheerful and humorous tone
- Brainstorming as a couple about what each child needs to grow.
- Family traditions or rituals
Family traditions foster connection. When the kids become teens, traditions may act as the glue in the parent-child bond. Sometimes traditions arise spontaneously. One year my husband suggested we go to Spanish Banks on Labour Day. On the drive home, the kids were already talking about going next year.
One of the most important rituals is family meals. Dr. Leonard Sax has found that the more meals per week a family eats together, the closer they are. One survey found that teens would rather eat with their family (even the grouchy ones.) In my daughter’s foods class, her classmate is overjoyed when they sit and eat together. At home, her family members eat alone, despite her repeated requests.
Young people need to know that 97 per cent of people who follow the ‘success sequence,’ (below) will not live in poverty:
- Finish high school or its equivalent.
- Get a full-time job or steady employment.
- Marry before having children.
Our faith teaches us that the family is the primary cell of society and that the spouses are directly cooperating with God’s love. These aren’t simply nice sayings or rules for the sake of rules. They are a divine blueprint in which everyone can find happiness. It’s nice to know that social science can back it up.
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