The West isn’t particularly baby-positive right now.
“For the past 70 years, our culture has served young women a steady diet of messages potent enough to make some women question — or outright reject — motherhood,” writes writes Philosophy of Motherhood blogger Allyson Flake Matsoso.
She describes the “recipe” that “American culture seems intent on perfecting” and which is leading fewer women to choose parenthood, including disillusionment fueled by divorce rates and stories of cheating husbands and monster children; self-doubt and low views of the value of nurturing; cynicism led by pornography and poor relationships with men; judgement; resentment; disdain for domesticity; and others.
We live in a culture that doesn’t appreciate stay-at-home motherhood, get excited about big families, or understand why we go through the immense inconvenience of having babies.
Trending on social media are women sharing their reasons for choosing to remain childless, citing things like climate change (a myth, just compare which countries do the most damage and which ones have the biggest families) or the ways children “destroy” body, career, mental health, or finances.
Then, there’s the “honest” motherhood trend, in which moms post publicly about how they love their kids but don’t like them, that children get in the way of their lives and cause unhealthy drinking habits (just log on when there’s a break from school), and even sometimes that they regret having them.
Yikes!
Abbie Halberstadt, mother of 10, calls this false honesty. “False honesty in motherhood assures you that any mom who seems consistently joyful is either faking it or has some upper hand you’ve been denied. It insists the only way to tell the truth is to get down in the mud of mothering, feel around for the slimiest and grimiest struggles, and hold them high as trophies of authenticity.”
Ranting about sleepless nights, defiant toddlers or teenagers, endless cleaning, foggy mom brains, and going without a single intelligent conversation all day can feel good, and — in confidence to a close friend — therapeutic. But airing those grievances in public and using them as reasons to not have children or regret having them is silly.
And ugly. This disdain is polluting the average interaction with neighbours: people are approaching parents they don’t know saying entirely inappropriate things like “I hope those aren’t all yours” to a friend of mine and her lively gaggle of five.
I was pushing my babies in a shopping cart when a Walmart employee asked me if they were twins. When I replied in the affirmative, she said, “that’s nice, one and done, and one of each!” I pointed to my preschool daughter, who was trailing me, and said I actually have two daughters. She suddenly looked almost horrified. “Well then you’re definitely done now, right?”
How my blessing became a curse so quickly in her eyes.
I’ve even heard grandparents exchange opinions that their children should stop having kids, that “I have enough grandchildren” and that “two is enough for me.”
Children, gifts from the Lord, are just not seen that way in our culture. Having one child can be socially acceptable. But start having a few more, and the judgemental looks and comments about how much trouble and how expensive they are multiply.
“Practically everything worth doing — learning a new skill, increasing physical stamina, writing a book, building a house, memorizing a musical piece, taking an epic trip, (fill in your blank) — will require some level of growing pains, some aspect of struggle,” Halberstadt writes.
“How very odd, then, to assume that something so momentous and weighty as birthing children should have no effect on our bodies, minds, and souls.” Or finances. Or, well, anything.
Besides, she writes in You Bet Your Stretch Marks (as in, is having children worth it? You bet your stretch marks!), the challenges facing us in parenthood have deeper purpose.
“Some days will feel achingly hard, and we can take them to the Lord, completely depleted, and be granted new mercies for the morning. Some days will zip by in a blur of happy memories, and we can take them to the Lord in praise. Some days will be utterly mundane, and we can take them to the Lord for purpose. All days are worth the effort because we have been granted this work at this time with these humans as a way of serving and loving God and his people well.”
Or, as a theology professor once told me: if someone drives you crazy, it can also be true to say that person “sanctifies” you.
I’ve heard “double trouble” and “you have your hands full” more times than I can count. But my three kiddos have given me so much more than extra loads of dirty laundry and a caffeine addiction.
When they say kids and diapers and education are expensive, they fail to see how many priceless moments our family will gain.
They warn that having babies will stretch your body in irreparable ways, but they couldn’t predict that I would have more confidence and pride in my body than I did when I was young and single.
They say having kids will consume all your waking hours, but fail to mention that after having them I would lose interest in time-wasting hobbies and feel empty spending time and money on just myself.
They described having kids as a sacrifice but didn’t say giving up myself would be life-giving and draw me toward Jesus, who gave it all.
They told me kids would be loud, overstimulating, and ignore all efforts to keep them safe, and didn’t add that it would teach me to be more patient, gentle, and forgiving.
They told me I would be up all night but didn’t tell me that most of the time I was awake I’d be praying.
They said it must be chaotic to have so many littles, but they didn’t realize that losing control would strengthen my trust in God, the One who gave them to me.
Do you have stories about how your kids sanctify you? I’d love to hear from you! aruck@rcav.org
Your voice matters! Join the conversation by submitting a Letter to the Editor here.
