Have you ever felt like the end was near late at night as you lie wide awake because you can’t fall asleep? You may feel like you can’t continue living and wonder what the point is.
Lying in bed at night, I have found myself breathing shallowly and feeling anxious. The darkest stretch of late fall and winter often feels melancholy to me. I don’t want that melancholy to permeate my mind, where my thoughts become negative and my emotions follow.
Listening to music, reading Scripture verses, and advocacy are some of my self-care tools. As I write this article, I am listening to an epic, inspirational music playlist that a friend shared with me. It elevates my mood as I write and somehow ignites creativity.
Music has been especially important for me through the fall and winter months. I often listen to Christmas music well beyond December because I find it comforting and uplifting during the cold, darker days. To read more about my love for music and how it helps my mental health, see last month’s column.
Music can be invigorating, calming, and grounding when I am feeling low. My mood disorder is affected by the time change, and the lack of natural light during the day is hard on my brain. I tend to become sad and lose motivation. From October through the heart of winter, I listen to a variety of Christmas music, from classical hymns to pop and Christian songs. Anything joyful and upbeat can help turn my mood around, though it is not a miracle cure.
I also look for inspiration in the daily Mass readings. The word of God is powerful and is often overlooked as a support for depression. Reading Scripture verses to combat the heaviness I feel during this season is good for my body, brain, and spirit. “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness,” says Lamentations 3:22-23.
Writing about my struggles and successes with living with bipolar disorder enables me to help others through advocacy. Advocacy is shining a light in the dark for people with mental illness. I find purpose in sharing my story of faith and life with bipolar disorder. It means that if you struggle with your thoughts, you are not alone. If you struggle to get out of bed in the morning, you are not alone. If you have a hard time being cheerful, you are not alone. I, too, battle a chaotic inner war each day as I try to live a healthy, balanced life. I continue to write not only to process and heal, but to share light in the darkness others may be facing.
I am constantly assessing my mood and checking in with my thoughts to stay balanced.
Was that thought true, was it of me, or was it a distraction?
I try not to ruminate on the past or worry about what might happen. When my thoughts spiral, it can feel as though those fears are actually happening, and I am flooded with the emotions that go with them. With the tools I have learned, I can manage my illness.
There is a reason it takes courage to be an advocate. In a world that sometimes views people with disabilities as less than, it can feel easier to keep an invisible illness hidden. But I have seen the opposite to be true. People with disabilities are brave, persevering, and capable of many amazing things. By sharing my experiences, I hope to lessen stigma and offer hope.
Like the candles of the Advent wreath and the lights of Christmas that continue to remind us of Christ’s coming even after Christmas Day, we are called to bring light into the lives of those around us. Jesus Christ was born to save us from our sins, and his presence remains with us throughout the Christmas season and beyond.
When you have difficulty falling asleep, remember that you are not alone. God hears our prayers at all times, even in our desperation, sadness, and anxiety. He sent his son to us, a gift that is everlasting. Jesus never leaves us to suffer on our own. He weeps with us. As we move through the heart of winter, may God grant you peace, healing, and courage, and may you find the strength to share your voice and your light with others.
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