Christmas is ideally a time of peace and joy, but in practice, it often arrives tangled in stress and schedules. Ida Gazzola reflects on how shared family traditions can anchor a household and foster a sense of belonging, inviting us to slow down, tend to the life of the home, and rediscover what gives the season its meaning.
Why family traditions matter at Christmas, and all year long
Traditions bring out the sweetness in family life. Sure, they may include illness or difficulties at various times, but even those sub-par experiences end up being stories told around the dinner table. “Remember when the toilet flooded and turned our TV room into a pond just as we were leaving for Nonna’s for Christmas brunch?” or “Remember the summer vacation where it rained every day, but we went paddle-boarding in the motel parking lot?” (True stories.)
Why are traditions so important? I think most parents would automatically answer, “To build memories.” Yes, but that doesn’t quite touch the base of it. We continually “create” our very selves with everything we do – for good or for bad. Part of how we create ourselves is how we bond with those around us. Dr. Gordon Neufeld would call this bonding “attachment.” Children, he says, need to attach vertically with those who care for them. Attaching only to peers is horizontal and only the vertical can “pull” them up, can help them mature. Only once they are securely, vertically attached can a child grow and become independent.
It may seem contrary to much of today’s parenting advice, but it is also logical. Secure attachments to caring adults result in true maturity. We hold on to them so that they can let go. We can facilitate this attachment with our children in every interaction, but traditions are a particularly fertile place in which attachment can grow. They are like a small vacation from regular life. We can all probably think of times when we went away and came back to “real life” feeling totally refreshed. This is what traditions do for us. They are a mental holiday from the regular work of life.
We all have big traditions – Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, summer vacations. We may not think about it much, but we also have small traditions that carry us forward day by day, week by week. Some call these small traditions “routines.” It may be true that they are also part of our regular routine, but the ones we’ll discuss go much deeper than that. When lived with intentionality, these small traditions can be the salt of every week, the glue that keeps the family together.
Small Traditions
By far, the most important small tradition is the family dinner. Statistics have proven regular family meals result in a myriad of physical and mental health benefits. Family dinner is a very natural break after the busyness of the day and before the final stretch towards bedtime. As the kids get older, the family dinner may be the only time in the day where everyone can relax together and chat for a few minutes. When the kids are small, dinner can be chaotic. But even sitting together for a few minutes is a win.
We’re not looking for a Hallmark moment. The main objective is to talk together. Leave the teaching moments for another time, suggests Irene Freundorfer of 10kids.com. Rather than speaking, she uses hand signals to remind the children to eat with their mouths closed, keep their legs down and elbows off the table. She suggests the use of humour to change the mood and to play some music or light some candles once in a while. As the kids get older, they will come out of habit and then the dinner table becomes pride of place for good conversations and reconnecting.
There are also other small traditions that may be daily, weekly, monthly or even yearly. Many families have a regular breakfast or brunch on the weekends. When I was a kid, my dad made bacon and eggs for brunch every Sunday after Mass. In my house now, my husband often makes crepes or muffins or omelettes before the kids wake up. Some families make Sunday special by going to a grandparent’s house for dinner or having their own special meal.
I did an informal poll of my friends and my online writing community about their family traditions. By far, the most common small tradition was a weekly “fun” night (sometime between Friday to Sunday) that involved any combination of pizza, movies and games. In our family, we love game night or movie night but choose to do them sporadically. Another popular tradition in my poll was reading together – some read every night, even with older kids. One woman told me her family would read a story together over the Christmas break, while another said her husband read devotionals to the family at night. Most nights in our household, we read to the youngest and then relax with a few of our other children to watch a decent show for an hour.
There are “traditions” that may not seem like traditions at first but become so by repetition. For example, we have friends that invite us over to dinner fairly regularly. Last time they invited us, I was surprised that even our older kids made an effort to come. I realized that this, too, had become a tradition of sorts. Some families love to walk or hike together. Playing crib with Nonno or Dad is a constant in our home. Puzzles are an activity that can become a sporadic tradition. Going for ice cream after confession is another one.
Other traditions are born of a desire to foster a bit more closeness. My friend saw something on Instagram about a “December 1st” party. She sent each of her three grown children an invite about the party, saying that there would be cookie-making and a small present for each. She was surprised how excited they were about it all! In the end, they had a lovely evening, making cookies, listening to Christmas music and chatting.
Traditions can be strictly material. One lady I know who lives in Michigan takes out her special snowman plates at the first snowfall. The family uses those plates until the snow melts in the spring. My husband makes a fire in our woodburning fireplace on cold days. It’s amazing how the kids come out of the woodwork to gather around the fire and how sad they are when he lets it die out.
There are some small traditions that happen once a year or so. One Labour Day, my husband suggested we all go to Spanish Banks and spend the last day before school at the beach. On the way home, the kids were already saying, “When we do this next year….” A tradition had formed. The same thing happened this past summer when we had all the girl cousins and aunts over to make pasta. We drank some wine, covered the kitchen with flour and then invited the nonni over for dinner. There was definitely talk of “next time.” Another new thing the kids and I did recently was to make gnocchi together. Everyone wants to do it again. Making food has so many benefits – learning new skills, eating the creation and spending “low-pressure” time together.
A number of years ago, my husband started the tradition of building a leprechaun trap the day before St. Patrick’s Day. Now the two youngest build their own and in the morning there is always a box of Lucky Charms, a Guinness (for me since I’m the Irish one) and some chocolates.
Other families make a tradition out of helping those less fortunate. Some families in our city go to a park in the downtown east side during the winter months and distribute lunch bags with sandwiches, juice, cookies and even chili or soup. They also bring clothing and blankets. Helping out at a soup kitchen is another activity families can do.
In my family, we do periodic “girls’ nights” at Grandma’s house for the older girls only. We order takeout and watch a movie or listen to a talk then discuss it after. Unlike most of our traditions, the talk or movie often has a pedagogical element to it (e.g., Robert P. George on “making friends with people you disagree with” or Noelle Mering addressing university students), but any heaviness is balanced out by the good food and conversation. Sometimes we start the night by each writing a postcard to a friend or relative that we feel may need some cheering up.
Big Traditions
And now we come to the big, once a year traditions such as Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, birthdays and family holidays. Each of these is often composed of sub-traditions involving food, decorations, or activities. One of my fellow writers turns new year’s resolutions into a family affair. She says, “Our family takes January to each think (and pray) about a word for the year. It is a word we want to reflect on through the year. Then in February, on Family Day weekend, we create some kind of visual reminder that will be displayed (at my parents’ cottage) all year.”
Every household seems to have special traditions around birthdays. Some families also celebrate the birthdays of their little ones who passed away. This might involve having a special dessert, looking at pictures and videos or visiting the gravesite. One mom told me, “We feel it is good and right to celebrate her as part of our family – even though she’s with Jesus now.”
Fall and Thanksgiving bring many opportunities like going to a pumpkin patch or apple orchard. A friend of mine gave me the idea of doing a “thankful pumpkin.” We buy a nice pumpkin (I like the ghost or princess pumpkins for this) and write “We are thankful for…” in a spiral form around the stem of the pumpkin. Then we leave the pumpkin on the counter with a permanent marker and everyone slowly adds their ideas until the pumpkin is full of all we are thankful for. We make it into soup which we eat at the beginning of Advent.
In our house, before the big day of Christmas itself, we have a few activities that involve most of the family: picking out a tree, distributing Christmas cards to neighbours, walking around LaFarge lake to see the Christmas lights or going to Burnaby Village museum, watching Christmas movies, attending the Nutcracker ballet, putting up the tree. Each of these is quality time spent together. We also play our extensive Christmas music list frequently (this includes some gorgeous, peaceful Advent hymns) and do lots of Christmas baking and decorating.
Even when you think they’ve outgrown the tradition, they may surprise you. As a child, I loved opening an advent calendar every year (the one with pictures, not chocolates). We carry on this tradition with the kids taking turns opening the calendar. A few years ago, our older kids never seemed to be around to open the doors on their turn and I thought they had outgrown it. So, this past Christmas, I said to them, “Maybe the advent calendar is more of a little kid’s thing. You can still do it if you want to, but I thought I’d give you the option.” All three were indignant. “What?? Of course we want to do it.” It was quite cute, actually. And, this past year, the doors were all opened in a timely fashion.
A word about food in general
Food is “baked” into many of the above traditions because it gives us physical and emotional comfort. Hence the expression “comfort food.” In most households there is that certain meal that will help rally the family together or comfort someone who is feeling down. In our house, the top comfort food is pasta with dad’s sauce. My husband will make a ground beef, tomato sauce that simmers all day and then make his version of a French bread.
Not too long ago, one of our university-age daughters said she’d be out for dinner as she had to study. Then she overheard us talking about making the sauce for dinner. She groaned and said, “Now I have to stay home!” and she did. When I told the other kids that dad was making his sauce for dinner that day, they all smiled joyfully and exclaimed, “Yessss!!” Even the mere thought of dad making his sauce made everyone feel cared for.
As Deborah MacNamara says in her book Nourished, “comfort food is the long arm of home.” She explains that comfort food brings out memories of being cared for and this brings out feelings of happiness, connectedness, and the sense that life has meaning. Regarding food, MacNamara states that “familiarity can provide a sense of rest.” This explains why we enjoy certain foods on certain holidays or our favourites on our birthday. If we change something in our traditional menu for these occasions, our children may even feel betrayed! One year my mom didn’t make dressing for the turkey on Thanksgiving. The kids were so offended, you would have thought she had told them she was not going to join us all for dinner. I was thankful that they complained quietly to me and not directly to Grandma.
Traditions and belonging
It is a given that occasionally, during one of these big or small traditions, one of the kids will be reluctant or even downright obstinate. Maybe it’s as simple as the child needing food or a cuddle or sleep. Maybe a calm, private conversation would help. Or maybe not. Whatever happens, since traditions are meant to bond and provide a break from the norm, parents need to keep calm yet strong in how they handle the situation.
Thankfully, most of the time kids want to participate. I did not realize until I had teens how important traditions were. Just when you think they’ll never want to do anything with the family ever again (or at least until they mature), they surprise you by coming out of their room and getting into the car to go pick out the Christmas tree. I find a low-pressure approach often works best with my teens. “This is what we’re doing. Join us if you want” – complete with a nonchalant smile.
Traditions do require a bit of organizing. It can help to make them as low maintenance as possible (organize ahead, don’t plan too much, make easy or take-out food, etc.). However much effort you make, the benefits are enormous. Traditions satisfy our longing for togetherness, our desire for emotional intimacy, which as Dr. Neufeld often says, is a pre-eminent need, one that is more important than food. The most important thing is to have fun, to laugh, to relax and just hang out. If at times, we have degenerated into the “business model” of family (school, then soccer, then dance, then homework, rush to bed, and do it all over again), we can reset with an old – or new – family tradition.
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