Recently I’ve felt a little lost. I have positive relationships and a fulfilling – often demanding – job, so I’m not bored. My children all live at home, so I have not entered the empty-nest stage that many of my peers are entering.
In chatting with a friend who has been feeling similarly, she mentioned that she thinks she is experiencing the growing pains of transition. Her children are all in post-secondary school, working and starting their own lives – not “needing” her, as they once did, even though they all still live at home.
I’m realizing that perhaps I am on the brink of a similar stage. Our family’s decreasing demands in terms of childcare and “taxi-driving” (we have two young drivers in our family now) are contributing to my feelings. I am not as busy as I used to be and, while this is liberating in some ways, it has also left me feeling somewhat empty. I tend to feel as though I’ve forgotten something – or, worse, someone – and it has also resulted in significant sentimentality.
Lately, I have fallen into moments of pondering times when the children were small. I know I experienced similar feelings during that transition as well. I loved being home with the kids when I became a stay-home mom; however, I often felt busy and lonely at the same time. I started to add more to my to-do list such as volunteer work, baby books, correspondence, cleaning, choir, and writing. The full days of being with young children, topped off with the extras listed above, left me hitting the pillow exhausted and wondering where the time went.
I am now discovering more time, yet I seem to have less emotional energy. I still hit the pillow exhausted and wondering where the time went, but I often lie awake reflecting on my current state of life.
Katie Prejean McGrady, a young mother and Catholic author, reminds me of my former self: “I fall into the trap daily: what I’m doing and how much is on my to-do list are what seem to determine my value and worth, my influence, and place in the world. I’m consumed with it – this deep desire to always have both something to do and somewhere to be – and if I sit still too long, I begin to worry that I’m unimportant and insignificant.”
I can’t say that I am actually “sit[ting] still” right now; however, compared to the pace I kept a short time ago, I have fewer pressing demands in my life. I am very grateful for more time without dashing around; yet, not surprisingly, extra time leads to extra thinking. While reflection is necessary and healthy, it is not always easy. At times, I wonder if I’m “unimportant and insignificant.”
As tough as my crazy-busy days were in terms of stress and physical exhaustion, I will admit that filling my time with “extras” conveniently allowed me to push big questions aside. What have I achieved in life? What do I still hope to achieve? What is God calling me to do and be? How will I be remembered?
Prejean McGrady reminds us that Jesus was incredibly busy, yet “at the start of his day, in the quiet and the calm, Jesus made time for prayer. He made time for the Father. He made time to go to the deserted place and listen.”
I do make time to pray, but I do not always address tougher, soul-searching questions as I should. I have a litany of prayers for others and I ask for guidance throughout my days, but I need to deepen my conversations with God; likewise, I need to listen.
This time of transition has been gifted to me as a time to explore where God is calling me in this life. Jesus – the One who has accompanied me and waited patiently during my busiest times – is ready to converse.
I need to recognize that the foreign feelings I experience from time to time do not mean I am “lost.” In truth, the “deserted place” I sometimes visit exists to reveal that I am found.
