There has never been a time in my life in which the reality of death has been so prevalent and in the forefront. I guess that would make sense, working at a cemetery and living through a pandemic with weekly death count updates.
Before working at Gardens of Gethsemani, I never knew or imagined that I had a fear of death. It wasn’t until I began working there everyday that I realized that I had a terror of not so much death itself, but of what it represented.
It took me months to feel at ease walking through and by the graves. It took many times of prayer, conversations, soul searching, and personal experiences to get me to a place in which I wasn’t as triggered by the idea of death.
Death symbolizes so much: fear of abandonment, fear of the unknown, loss of control, loss of connection. They say that sometimes people who fear death haven’t fully lived life or haven’t fulfilled their life purpose. Maybe that’s in part why death is scary for me, because I’m not ready to die, I’m not ready to let go, to surrender fully.
Along the journey there are a couple of experiences and truths that have given me comfort, and brought healing and grounding. I’d like to share them in the hope they may benefit others.
Connection and embracing our common humanity
I remember sharing with people close to me that I was struggling with the fear of death. One of the people I shared this with just offered me a big hug. Others just listened and offered empathy, even though they didn’t fully understand. Those experiences of presence and compassion would often make the fear disappear. It’s like with love – there is no space for fear. It was amazing and so real to me that love truly dispels fear.
While helping for the first time at an Infant Loss Mass, I was afraid it was going to be too hard for me to bear. I had never lost a baby myself and I wasn’t sure how much I could do to help those who would be attending. It ended up being one of the most powerful experiences. To see so many people come together and offer support, compassion, prayer and love was truly touching. There was sadness, but the love was greater than the sadness. There was also a gentle beauty in the entire experience because it was so evident to me that even the grief was a testament to the deep and visceral love for these children gone to soon.
Pope Francis wrote that there is something about death that unites all of us. We all have this destiny in common, and this common ground can serve to bring us closer together. Our common humanity can be a stepping-stone for communion. When we realize that we are in this together, this communion bears fruit in love and, as the Bible says, love dispels fear.
Insights from a book called 7 Lessons from Heaven:
One of the best books I read in my first year at Gardens was 7 Lessons from Heaven: How Dying Taught Me to Live a Joy-Filled Life. Author Dr. Mary Neil is a spinal surgeon who had an epic life- after-death experience in which she encountered Our Lord, had a taste of heaven, and was then asked to go back to earth to share her experience.
The way she described Our Lord and the afterlife was so beautiful, comforting, real, and attractive that I started seeing death and the afterlife in a totally new way. I realized that heaven isn’t as far away as we think it is, and that the spiritual world is all around us.
As a result of her after-life experience, Dr. Neil says that one of her first reactions upon hearing someone has passed away is a sort of holy jealousy because of the utter beauty, peace, and love that she remembers experiencing.
I was especially struck by how she described Jesus: his utter love, mercy, warmth, affection. She said he even had a sense of humour. I highly recommend reading this book, which will make you want to live life more fully and inspire you to live it more joyfully.
Friendship with the holy souls and people buried here
Over the last two years I’ve developed a relationship with the souls buried at Gardens: both the ones in heaven and those in purgatory. I pray for the souls in purgatory every day and offer my Mass and little sacrifices for them. I also ask them for graces and often walk around the cemetery and talk to the ones I know by name, whether I knew them in person or through one of their family members.
This relationship with the communion of saints and our brothers and sisters waiting for heaven in purgatory has also helped me feel less afraid of death. These people who have gone before us are deeply interconnected with our lives. They want the best for us and I believe they are guiding us in many little ways and obtaining graces.
Visitors to Gardens have told me so many stories of loved ones visiting them, in dreams or sending them special signs to let them know they are okay, to bring comfort, or to ask for prayers.
I’ve experienced it myself. One day, alone in the office, I sensed there was a particular soul who was in need of prayer. I asked to receive some small sign by way of my phone. Immediately that confirmation arrived on my phone.
Experiences like this aren’t scary. Rather, they’re comforting and meant to be received as the gift they are.
Anna Loch is a parishioner at St. Joseph’s in Vancouver and outreach manager at Gardens of Gethsemani. She holds a master’s in theology and counselling psychology.