‘In my blindness and ignorance, I had never considered that pornography had an effect on the participants and those who consumed it. It just existed and I took it at its word.’
The first time I was exposed to pornography I was eight years old. My addiction began when I was 10 and would last a decade, ending up doing a great deal of harm.
It is a common joke in the current culture of young millennials and Gen Z individuals, about the lack, or poor quality, of sex education in schools. I grew up a fairly sheltered Catholic homeschooler, but I did not entirely escape a secular mentality.
Only now, in my early twenties, have I started meeting young Catholics, who are unafraid and comfortable talking about sex and the spiritual aspects behind it.
For the longest time sex was a word you didn’t say, like a swear word. There was a great deal of embarrassment and shame about it. Through that mixture of misconstrued Catholic belief and the warped view of a secular world, how was I – a child – ever supposed to understand that sex is a gift from God to strengthen and bond a marriage in a beautiful unique manner?
My main source of “sexual education” was from the outside world. I learned about sexual acts from secular playmates, secular magazines, and pornography. I use the term “sexual acts” as opposed to “sex” because the secular mindset has taken a beautiful gift and debased it. The meaning and intention have been removed, leaving nothing but a shadow, a bare imitation of the original.
There were little ways in which I was exposed. There was no adult intention behind my exposure, but the curiosity of a child goes a long way. Magazines and books with either pictures or “sex advice” were the first most common introductions. But the hook, the thing that was to grip me and wreak almost indescribable damage on my mind for the next 10 years of my life, was online video pornography.
I was and continue to be a curious individual. I have a deep desire for truth and since the beginning of my earthly existence I have wanted to know things. However, while my soul craves truth, my flesh accepts imitation.
Deep inside, my soul knew it was wrong. I became secretive and a compulsive liar, and as I battled my addiction it only got worse, and an addiction it truly was. I wanted to find out more, and as I got older and pieces fell into place, my exposure to the secular version of relationships grew. At no point did I realize there was a difference between a relationship involving God and a relationship mirroring it that was largely based on physical acts.
Here we come to the question … what exactly did a 10-year pornography addiction do?
Pornography instilled a deep disgust in me for sexual acts between men and women.
I automatically began to see sex as something to be ashamed of, something that, no matter what, would always degrade a woman.
The thought of it was repulsive to me, and yet the addiction overruled the repulsion and continued a bitter cycle. Porn taught me that if sex was just a physical act and nothing more, then it shouldn’t matter who you engaged in it with; marriage was unnecessary for participation.
It hurt my relationships with friends. I was angry with women I knew for having had sex or being in secular relationships, because in my mind I couldn’t understand why women I loved would do something so disrespectful and degrading to themselves.
I was taught that I, as a woman with a stereotypically feminine body, existed for the pleasure of and as a temptation for men.
These effects caused me massive amounts of anger and hurt.
I have always possessed a passionate and verbal personality which, at the time, showed itself as defiance and selfishness. This conflicted very much with the message taught by the media and pornography – that of a woman who serves silently.
In addition I deeply misunderstood Catholicism for a large portion of my life, and while I never faltered in believing in God, I also vehemently rejected my perceived interpretation of “a Catholic woman.”
I wished to be desired and good, but I rejected and was infuriated by the actions I was taught I would have to take. I fostered a deep and emotionally crippling fear of any kind of intimacy with men. I began to truly believe that in the eyes of others I had no value past what I could offer sexually.
As I write this I am one year and 10 months free of porn. I’ve heard it takes a full two years to really reverse the effects it has on your brain. So, what changed?
The January following my return from a two-month stay at Madonna House, I read an excerpt of a book called Empire of Illusion: The End of Literacy and the Triumph of Spectacle by Chris Hedges:
As she talks about her career in porn, her eyes take on a dead faraway look. Her breathing becomes more rapid. She slips into a flat, numbing monotone. The symptoms are ones I know well from interviewing victims of post-traumatic stress disorder.
“What you are describing is trauma,” I say.
“Yes,” she answers quietly.
I was stunned. I had never considered that the people in the videos were, in fact, actual people. To this day I have yet to read the actual book and I have no idea what the context is for that excerpt. But it opened up a new realization.
I looked at myself and said, “How can you … you who claim to love passionately all women of the world … you who calls every woman your sister … how can you consume something that so deeply wounds and destroys the souls and hearts of those you claim to love.”
That tiny excerpt shattered the thinly veiled pretense that porn is not harmful. In my blindness and ignorance, I had never considered that pornography had an effect on the participants and those who consumed it. It just existed and I took it at its word.
I have healed so much in a year and a half. While I don’t struggle with temptation, I still have to undo my thought processes daily. I have to remind myself every single day that the worldview porn promotes is false. I am good. My body is good. Porn is not sex. Porn is not real.
I wish I could tell you about the steps I took. I wish I could offer anyone reading this and struggling with the same cross some sure-fire formula and steps to get over the effects of this addiction, but in all honesty I have truly nothing. For me, just knowing that I was aiding and abetting an industry of extreme abuse was enough to turn off any desire to continue watching porn. The Lord showed me his mercy and grace in the form of a deep disgust in my heart for pornography.
Talking about it was also extremely important in my ongoing journey of healing. The devil can only work effectively in the dark, so bring it to the Light! There was so much freedom in just mentioning it to my two close friends. It lifted off my heart. It was out in the world. It was no longer mine to hide.
I have come so far, and I have so far to go, but in Christ I have hope. He has proven to me time and time again that I am more than the sum of my addictions, failings, and weaknesses.
I am not ashamed of my addiction. I am not ashamed of my story. I know I am not alone. I am not the first to carry this cross, but I pray that I might be one of the last.
Pornography, sex, same-sex attraction, rape, consent or lack thereof, were things that other Catholics never spoke about to me. There seems to be such a large amount of shame placed upon sex and a person’s body. I have experienced in my churches and Catholic circles a culture of whispering.
We can do better. There is a wonderful self-awareness in this current generation. A desire to change, to do better than their ancestors. I have started seeing my friends and family get married and start families. It is in you and your actions within your family where things change.
It is not a matter of “if” your children will learn about porn, it is a matter of “when.” Silence and uncomfortable whispers are no longer an option.
Let’s become the generation that works to pull this evil into the light where the devil cannot use it. Let’s become the generation that abolishes this culture of sexual acts with no meaning. Let’s teach the coming generations that in a gift from God there can be nothing shameful.
Ani Marie is a Catholic writer and aspiring journalist who lives in B.C.
Finding Support
These resources are produced by the Archdiocese of Vancouver or by organizations it endorses.
Integrity Restored
Tools for people struggling with porn use. Also for parents and clergy.
integrityrestored.com
Covenant Eyes
Internet Accountability and filtering software, plus educational tools.
covenanteyes.com
Local counsellors
A list of registered professional counsellor in your area.
rcav.org/personal-counselling
Reclaim God’s Plan for Sexual Health
Catholic online recovery program.
reclaimsexualhealth.com
Over 18
A documentary about pornography.
over18doc.com
Tools for Parents in the Internet Age
Resources for parents from the Diocese of Lincoln.
lincolndiocese.org/internet-protection-pornography/tools-for-parents
Anti-Human Trafficking Committee
Learn more about human trafficking.
rcav.org/anti-human-trafficking
Safe Haven Sunday
The Archdiocese of Vancouver is planning a day to share resources and address the harm caused by pornography to marriages, families, and culture as a whole. It is being planned for the spring of 2021; details to come.
beholdvancouver.org/services/overcoming-pornography