Empathy helps build bridges
The B.C. Catholic
“You’re at the airport and someone greets you,” said Sarah Ruggier. “They’re saying they’re glad you’ve come, but are displaying a closed body posture: their arms are crossed, they are facing away. You think to yourself, where do I stand with this person? Is something wrong?”
Ruggier, a counsellor and teacher, was one of two speakers who presented the topic, “Bridging the Gap – Effective Communication” to about 45 people at a meeting at the Art Gallery Caf‚ Sept. 19. “In this case, you’re not going to be able to receive the message well. That’s why it is important to be aware of your body language.”
“More than half of our communication comes from our body language, through the things we don’t say,” Clayton Imoo agreed. Imoo, the director of the archdiocesan Youth and Young Adult Ministry, was the second speaker at the event. “You have to pay attention to not just what you’re saying, but how you’re saying it.”
The presentation covered the importance of communicating well in all areas of life, including relationships, the workplace, and about faith. Imoo spoke of a time he and his wife Gail had stopped communicating.
“We got to the point where we forgot our primary vocations to be a spouse to each other and parents to our children,” said Imoo. “I got so wrapped up in my work vocation that I was neglecting responsibilities at home.”
His wife eventually brought the issue to his attention, and after some initial difficulty, Imoo managed to communicate with her. “We had resorted to writing lists” of complaints, he said. “So I went up to her sheepishly and I said, ‘Gail, I love you and I’m so sorry. I don’t know how it got to this point, but I’ll never let it get to this again.'”
Ruggier spoke of the need for active listening. “When you pay attention to all forms of communication: our body, our tone, and our words, it’s all for the purpose of connecting with anther human being.”
In order to connect when communicating, Ruggier said, we must remain within the “window of tolerance,” a mindset where “our bodies are calm and our thoughts are clear. We can actually explain to our mom how to log into Hotmail for the 100th time” when within the window.
However, “if we encounter a relationship with someone who chronically does not feed back the (emotional) connection we need, then we get catapulted out of our window of tolerance.” This leads to the body reacting in a fight or flight manner through either hyperarousal or hypoarousal.
“When we’re in those states, we cannot choose our behaviours,” said Ruggier. “When hyperaroused, you feel anxiety or overwhelmed,” as is seen when prey flees from predator in a blind panic. However, in a non-life-threatening situation, this energy leads to stress on a relationship.
On the other hand, hypoarousal is caused when our “feelings are so overwhelming that we actually disconnect from our emotions and the people around us. Our body tells us this is our best shot at survival.”
Anxiety causes tiredness, as being anxious “utilizes around 80 per cent of our energy.” The resulting crash leaves a person emotionally depressed and withdrawn.
“But when we are locked out, it makes it very hard to connect with each other,” Ruggier explained. “The benefits of empathetic listening include lifelong health benefits and healthier relationships.”
One way to help individuals thrown out of their “window” is by utilizing empathy. “Empathy is an antidote for shame,” said Ruggier. “Empathy is a way to reach out to those who are isolated or marginalized, even in our family.”
