I realized that I am past the stage of dealing with crazy little people at Mass! My youngest is four, and pretty-well contained. Three are on the altar, and the others aren’t too shabby.

Of course, there are those horrifying moments when your child is the perpetrator of public nose picking, bodily functions, whines, or hymnal-page tearing. Those are never completely cured, but for the most part, Mass is a lot less stressful than it used to be. We’ve survived the tough parts, and I feel it’s my duty to share my “Top Tips to Surviving Mass, For Sleep-Deprived Catholics.”

Tip #1: The more often you bring food or drinks with you, the more they’ll need them. Children will quickly learn that if they are bored, they need simply make a little fuss to be rewarded with fishy crackers. I used to bring Cheerios for my toddler to munch on during Mass. Then he dropped (read: threw) them all over the church floor, during consecration. Someone left the sanctuary to get a broom, so people wouldn’t crunch them all on their way to Holy Communion. So, my point is, food and drinks aren’t usually a good idea.

Tip #2: Do bring plastic rosaries, or little prayer books that are set especially aside for Mass time. Give your little one a bag to carry them in. I love the My Little Book of Prayers set, which are small, inexpensive and have beautiful, colourful pictures.

Tip #3: Every purse must have tissue, coins, hair elastics, and a black marker.  Packages of tissue in a woman’s purse are a sure sign of feminine genius. I never have tissue in my purse, and my poor mother must scrounge through hers so I can wipe a child’s nose. Coins are a must because each child needs something to put in the basket, and there must be enough left over to light a candle.

These are specific moments that kids look forward to during the Mass. They organically learn generosity when they tithe, and piety when they kneel to light a candle.  I love to watch my husband take the little ones to the shrine of St. Joseph to pray together instead of rushing quickly out. It’s become an expected part of our time at Church, and I truly believe those simple few minutes are an important part of the shaping of our children’s hearts.

Hair elastics are for those days when you arrive and realize with a jolt that you didn’t brush your daughter’s hair. You discreetly pull her to stand in front of you like you’re sharing the hymnal,  keeping your eyes straight ahead, and quickly pull all those tangles into a bun or ponytail.  No one suspects a thing.

The black marker is because my sons all take turns wearing out their church shoes. One pair gets replaced just in time for the next boy’s pair to fall apart. I have glue-gunned soles back on to their shabby counterparts. But a black marker is a beautiful find when you need to colour in the bare toes of their shoes.

Speaking of worn away shoes, it’s usually when my boys are on the altar that I notice them. And so, Tip #4: Get your boys on the altar! Regardless of their worn-out shoes, boys will transform from restless, messy noise-makers into noble, reverent young men when those cassocks are pulled over their heads and they’re given a candle to hold.

They most certainly are less prone to mischief when Father and the entire congregation are watching. I’ve still lost many homilies as I stared wild-eyed, hoping to catch a son’s eye so that I could signal them about their messy appearance. One boy’s cassock caught on fire once. We’ve also had an altar boy start dancing the Macarena from his seat. But, once they are on the altar, it’s no longer your problem. There you go.

Tip #5: Use your time before Mass well. I would say that we are notoriously in a rush to get there. It’s no good. It causes stress and snarkiness on my part, and we begin Mass poorly. So, get out on time. I’ve heard it said that it’s more effective to think about what time you need to leave, than what time you need to arrive.

When you are in the car make it a habit to read the Gospel. The children might be daydreaming during Mass, but suddenly they’ll hear something familiar and look up at me with excitement in their eyes, “Mama, we heard that in the car!” We absolutely love the Universalis App. It has all the Mass readings on audio, so Scott sets it up and it dramatizes the Gospel. The kids always want it to keep playing on to the next chapters. Awesome.

Another option is to play appropriate Lighthouse Media CDs on the way. I love Father Michael Schmidt’s True Worship. It’s three homilies given to university students, but totally age appropriate for 12 and up. Love it. Get it. Do it.

Tip #6: This is a method we read about and used to tame our last couple of little ones. We never really used cry rooms, unless we had an actual crying baby who wasn’t consoled with nursing. The basic idea is this: when your little one is in the pew, let them have a little space. If they are touching hymnals and getting a bit wiggly, don’t worry about it. If they whisper something, or hum, or whatever, don’t stress. But when they are interrupting the Mass, and simply not using basic manners, take the child out.

Now, this is where it is very helpful to have a strong, selfless husband, or at least strong, selfless biceps of your own. You take the child out, but you do not put them down. This is the hard part. You hold them in your arms, and they stay there until they are ready to go quietly back to the pew. They will soon realize that the small freedom they have in the pew is much more appealing than the foyer, where they can’t do anything. It took a couple of weeks, but it worked.

Tip #7: Silence. I sigh aloud as I type the word. My husband will roll his eyes when he reads this, because he knows of my eternal battle with noisy people in Mass. I am not talking about children. I am talking about adults who seem incapable of zipping it. I simply do not understand the inability. Do you know how many times I have felt the need to evil-eye, or hush grown-ups during consecration? It is the thorn in my side. How self-righteous is that? I know. But when adults have no idea of what is going on at Mass, or an idea of how to behave there, their children will follow suit. 

I recently heard that brains are suffering because of the lack of silence. Why can’t we just shut up?! Cardinal Sarah has written an entire book about it, Power of Silence: “Sacred silence, laden with the adored presence, opens the way to mystical silence, full of loving intimacy.” If our lives are full of noise we will never make it through the 60 minutes, let alone to that moment of mystical silence, the full loving intimacy of the sacrifice of Christ.

My last tip is to pray for the gift of patience and a sense of humour, in yourself, and in those who sit nearby.  The time will come when your youngest no longer wets his pants during Mass, or shrieks when he wants a candy. The time will come when you get to the end of Mass with relaxed shoulders and a quiet peace. You may even have had a moment of intimacy with Christ.  “Thanks be to God.”