I keep hearing my husband’s voice in my head. “Why don’t you do
So much so that I never really took the time to heal or enjoy the 10 years that I was home. He was not happy that I had quit my job; 28 years of stress had taken a toll on my health and my doctor bluntly told me that “it was either my health or my job.” So I handed in my resignation and never looked back.
I never really embraced being a homemaker. There was always this nagging feeling that I was wasting my time at home doing nothing. So much so that I remember a few years ago I was at Mass and I started ranting and raving and asked, “Why God? Why did you make me so sick that I have to stay home?”
I distinctly heard a sharp, stern voice in my head saying, “Don’t you get it? I had to make you sick so you would quit your job; you hated it so much.”
I was stunned; was that God’s voice? It was so clear and sharp that it almost sounded like he was shouting it out. Yes, God was right I did hate my job but never had the guts to leave. He helped me get out of it.
For the next few years I took it easy, telling myself I needed this time to recover and gain back some weight. Nonetheless, there was always this nagging voice reminding me that I was useless for sitting at home.
To fill my days and to feel useful I became a volunteer teacher in the church, sang in the choir, and did all sorts of craft work and sewing. Still I was restless and kept on wondering “What am I going to do with my life?”
This little voice kept following me for a few more years. I started going to adoration in front of the Blessed Sacrament and still I felt restless and more useless.
One day as I was sitting crossed legged on the bed praying, I asked Jesus once again what I should do with my life.
This thought came to mind. “They also serve who only stand and wait.”
It was an “ah ha” moment for me. I am not useless in God’s eyes. I am still serving him even if I am just a “little homemaker.” I envisioned myself like those angels who stand and wait for God’s command.
This thought was so freeing for me. I no longer feel guilty for doing nothing. I am doing something useful … standing and waiting for God’s command.
These days when I hear that little voice telling me that I am useless, I tell it to shut up and go away. I am not useless. I am serving God in my own useful way “just standing and waiting.”
Isadora Liang is a full-time Vancouver wife, mother, and homemaker.