With death approaching, Therese longed for heaven but also experienced trial regarding faith in the existence of heaven. (Society of the Little Flower)
In April of 1896, St. Therese of Lisieux coughed up blood. She saw that as a sign that her death was close at hand. Therese longed for heaven, but she also experienced trial regarding faith in the existence of heaven.
Therese made many acts of faith during times of trial. She described her struggle: “Each time that my enemy would provoke me to combat, I behave as a gallant soldier. I know that a duel is an act of cowardice, and so, without once looking him in the face, I turn my back on the foe, then I hasten to my Saviour, and vow that I am ready to shed my blood in witness of my belief in heaven. I tell him, if only he will deign to open it to poor unbelievers, I am content to sacrifice all pleasure in the thought of it as long as I live.”
Therese patiently bore the trial of not experiencing comfort in the thought of heaven. By doing so, she offered sacrifices for sinners who despised heaven and sinned against faith.
During her spiritual trial, Therese reach the spiritual maturity of holy indifference. All she desired was to love God. She wrote, “Dear Mother, it seems to me that at present there is nothing to impede my upward flight, for I have no longer any desire save to love him till I die. I am free; I fear nothing now, not even what I dreaded more than anything else, a long illness which would make me a burden to the (religious) community. Should it please the good God, I am quite content to have my bodily and mental sufferings prolonged for years. I do not fear a long life; I do not shrink from the struggle.”
Therese observed: “A heart given to God loses nothing of its natural affection – on the contrary, this affection grows stronger by becoming purer and more spiritual.” It is with this love that she loved her sisters. Hence, the possibility of her two sisters being sent to the Carmel in Vietnam did cause sufferings in the heart of Therese. The saint also knew that if she had sufficient health, she might be send to Vietnam. She wrote, “Knowing that even in the Carmel there must be partings, I tried to make my abode in heaven.”
In her heart, Therese desired to do only the will of God. She feared neither to die an early death due to sickness nor to live in a foreign Carmel house. She saw obedience as an unerring compass. She wrote, “O my God! from how much disquiet do we free ourselves by the vow of obedience! Happy is the simple religious. Her one guide being the will of her superiors, she is ever sure of following the right path, and has no fear of being mistaken, even when it seems that her superiors are making a mistake.”
Therese strove to practice charity towards her fellow religious sisters. She wrote, “If I wish to increase this love in my heart, and the devil tries to bring before me the defects of a sister, I hasten to look for her virtues, her good motives.”
She also wrote, “And it is the Lord, it is Jesus, who is my judge. Therefore I will try always to think leniently of others, that he may judge me leniently, or rather not at all, since he says: ‘Judge not, and ye shall not be judged.’
Therese observed that we all have our natural likes and dislikes: “We may feel drawn towards one sister, and may be tempted to go a long way round to avoid meeting another. Well, Our Lord tells me that this is the sister to love and pray for, even though her behavior may make me imagine she does not care for me.”
小德蘭遜守信德和愛德
1896年4月，小德蘭咳嗽見血，她自和死期不遠，甚為渴望上天堂。不過，她卻經歷著懷疑天堂存在的信德考驗。
小德蘭在考驗期間，發了多次信德。她形容「每當我的敵人向我挑戰，卻讓我表現我如勇兵！我不和牠對壘，我背向牠，趕快跑到我的救主去；因為剛好相反，假如我和牠對壘，我會變得膽怯。我誓許，我不惜灑熱血去見證對天堂的信仰。我向祂說，如果祂願為可憐的無信者打開天堂，我會滿足地一生犧牲思想天堂所帶來的喜樂。」
小德蘭耐心地默默承受對天堂信德的試探，並把那些不信或鄙視天堂的罪人奉獻試探之苦。
靈性上的試探，使小德蘭的聖德更趨成熟、更全心去愛天主。她寫道：「現在好像沒有什麼能阻止我的心靈上昇，我心無他念，只終生去愛祂。我是自由的；我現在心無所懼，即使我最畏忌的亦不再怕----長期病患成為修院團體的負累。只要能鍾悅天主，我不介意延長多年我身心的痛楚。我不怕長命，我也不會退縮。」
小德蘭觀察到：「獻身於主的心不會失去本性的情懷，相反，這情懷藉着變得更純潔和更靈性而長得更強。」她就是以這種愛去愛她的姐姐們。當聽聞她的兩個姐姐可能要被外調到越南時，內心不捨之情甚不是味道，也明白如果自己健康情況許可，她可能會被調到越南。她記錄著：「我深知在加耳默羅修會裡，也必有分離的現象。我要把我的居所專注在天堂。」小德蘭一心只想著要承行天主的旨意，因為她可能會因病去世，亦可能會被調離現在的修院，兩者的結局，還是要在人間分手，唯有「聽命」是正確的指南針。她寫道：「噢，我的天主！聽命聖願能解除我們多少煩擾啊！單純的修道人就是快樂的。她的唯一的指引是長上的意願，她可肯定隨着正碓的途徑，並不怕錯誤....」 。
小德蘭在修女們間尋找修煉愛德。她寫道：「我希望加強內心的這份愛時，而魔鬼嚐試把一位修女的缺失，展示給我；我要立刻看她的善德和善意」。她並寫道：「主耶穌是我的判官；故此，我以寬容的心去看待別人，好讓主耶穌也寬待地審判我，甚至不審判我；因為祂說過：『你們不要判斷人，免得你們受判斷』。」
小德蘭深諳人類有喜愛的，也有不喜愛的：「我們可能覺得喜愛與某位修女一起，並可能被誘去故意繞道而行而回避遇見另外一位修女。其實，主告訴我這另外一位修女就是我要去愛和為她祈禱的一位。」