It’s not that I wanted to die. I wanted an escape from unbearable pain.

“Are you okay?” my mom asked me.

“No, I am not okay.” I was 17 years old and I thought there was no point in living anymore. I thought my family would be better off without me. Despair doesn’t give you company. It leaves you alone, in your pain, tears, and hopelessness.

Deeply sad, in a very dark place, I uttered the words, “Help me!” and somehow God triumphed. My mom found me scared, helpless, and crying on the bathroom floor. I couldn’t lift myself up. She held me tenderly and gave me my fuzzy purple and white snowflake pyjamas.

My pent-up emotion began to thaw as her gentle hands led me to the living room and helped me to sit at the piano. As she made phone calls – “Lisa will not be going on the overnight Grade 12 retreat tomorrow” – I plunked the piano keys, playing my favourite song, Only Hope. After a few songs, I crumpled on the ground crying louder, shaking, and shouting, “Get the devil off me!” My mom calmly said, “Dad and I are going to take you to the hospital.” Her hands rested on my back, moving in slow soothing circles as she prayed audibly.

No one knew what was wrong. No one knew that I was suffering an episode of psychosis, a break from reality. The hallucinations, negative thoughts, and despair were all a part of it. My younger sister carried me down the stairs, as I, shaking with fear, leaned all my weight on her.

That hospital stay was the beginning of my journey to health with mental illness. Somehow, hope snuck into my home and my heart. I will never forget the kindness of my family now and during that time. They are truly heroes and healers, but they never get enough credit. I love them immensely.

This month of November we remember to pray for the souls of the departed. Most of us know someone who took his or her own life or know someone who has been affected by the suicide of loved one. I remember in my prayers my dear cousin who took her life a couple of years ago.

Father Chris Alar, MIC, director of the Association of Marian helpers, shares his message to pray the Divine Mercy chaplet for the deceased. And that there is “hope for those who’ve committed suicide.”

The Catechism (2282-2283) tells us: “Grave psychological disturbances, anguish, or grave fear of hardship, suffering, or torture can diminish the responsibility of the one committing suicide. We should not despair of the eternal salvation of persons who have taken their own lives. By ways know to him alone, God can provide opportunity for salutary repentance. The Church prays for persons who have taken their own lives.”

Father Chris explains in the pamphlet Divine Mercy After Suicide, you can “pray for your loved ones who have died, even if they have died 10, 20, or 50 years ago.” The pamphlets are available through https://www.shopmercy.org/pamphlets-prayercards.html. He also gives a talk on the topic at: https://www.youtube.com/DivinemercyandsuicideFr.Alar.

As I paced those hospital halls at age 17, I gripped my rosary in my hand and held on to hope when I couldn’t recite the prayers. In the wisdom of St. John Paul II, “I plead with you – never, ever give up on hope, never doubt, never tire, and never become discouraged. Be not afraid.”

Let us pray with St. Faustina, “Jesus, I trust in you!”