For nearly 18 years I have been a mother. During that time, my life can almost be divided into chapters: teaching part-time, staying home with my children, teaching online from home and, most recently, returning to full-time work. Each phase has come with both blessings and growing pains.
Motherhood is not to be taken lightly. Knowing that God has entrusted “imperfect me” with four of his children is humbling and, while I have always aimed to choose the best path for my family, not every section of that path has been smooth.
In 2006, I wrote the following reflection: “There are times when an overwhelming sense of insecurity washes over me – times when I’m not sure if I’m coming or going, if I’m on my way or already there. There are times when I feel that my heart is weak – even separate from my body – and that I go about my day-to-day activities without soul.
“Do I take this stay-home mom thing for granted? Am I assuming my children will always just be here when I have time to stop cleaning and cooking to enjoy life? Am I going ‘through the motions’ because I have so many demands placed upon me?”
For the most part, my convictions with regard to putting my career on hold sustained me; yet, in low moments such as those mentioned above, I felt particularly affected by the opinions of others. In her inspiring book of reflective essays entitled God is in the Kitchen: What’s He Cooking Up For Me? Ginger Estavillo Umali of St. Matthew’s Parish in Surrey reflects upon this concept.
As a professional-turned-stay-home-mom, Umali shares the fact that many people questioned her decision to put a high-powered career on hold for her family: “Have you been in the same boat? Have you encountered people who raised eyebrows and dished out a not-too-palatable evaluation of your choices?” she asks.
In my situation, some people stated that I was “lucky” to be able to stay home. This was irksome because it wasn’t luck, but rather forethought and sacrifice, which allowed me to stay home with my children.
Being home with little kids and no vehicle while my husband, family members, and many friends were at work wasn’t always as “idyllic” as it sounded; yet, as much as I sometimes felt under-valued or lonely, I felt blessed that I didn’t have to give the “job” to anyone else.
Others implied that I was letting my career go to waste. This offended me because I knew that my choice was neither uneducated nor wasteful. I thrived as a professional. I loved my involvement in the world of education and found fulfillment in watching children grow and learn. Consequently, I felt that I was an excellent candidate for a stay-home mom. I knew that, while I could always return to my career, I could never return to my children’s formative years.
Growing up, I had two major goals: one to be a teacher and another to stay home with my children when they were small. The fact that I have realized both goals usually makes me feel successful; yet, on challenging days, I continue to compare myself to others and wonder if I would have been a better mom had I maintained more balance in my life.
I know that I’m not the only one who has faced feelings of judgment. Friends who continued to work have felt criticism and regret for not staying home. Unfair judgments and uninformed opinions definitely exist; yet, I sometimes wonder, “Do others judge our maternal choices as often as we perceive them to, or do our personal insecurities occasionally cause us to harshly judge ourselves?”
Whether we work in or out of the home, we all experience moments of vulnerability and self-doubt. We must trust in God’s guidance and recognize that, while no decision is cookie-cutter perfect, our choices are all parts of God’s perfect plan for us.
Furthermore, we must empathize and appreciate both sides of the “career-or-home fence,” as Umali encourages. As mothers – as sisters in Christ – we must support one another, as we strive to meet our mutual goal of giving the best we can to our children.