Not every family will experience a joyous Christmas this year. For some, the holidays can magnify the emptiness and grief felt after the recent death of a loved one.
“It’s not merry and joyful for everybody at Christmastime,” Donna Crombie told The B.C. Catholic.
Eleven years ago, Crombie’s infant son died unexpectedly during childbirth. She and her husband buried their child at the Gardens of Gethsemani cemetery in Surrey, which was at the time decorated with bows, candy canes, and poinsettias.
“The first Christmas [without him] was very hard,” she said. “I resisted celebrating Christmas in the same way. I just couldn’t. My son wasn’t here.”
Later, Crombie and her husband also lost two daughters through miscarriage. She acknowledges the holidays are hard without them. The family honours its three missing members each Christmas by hanging ornaments and stockings with their names on them and visiting the cemetery each year.
“For me to put an ornament on that tree, that is a way I can tangibly love my children and tell them: ‘I have not forgotten you. You are still in my heart.’”
Crombie is far from alone. On Dec. 15, with the help of the cemetery, she organized a Christmas Tree of Remembrance Service for people grieving the loss of loved ones this time of year.
Cemetery staff estimate 300 people arrived on site that day for Mass and to sing solemn carols, write the names of their loved ones on ornaments, and connect with others who understand what it means to grieve.
Among them was Martin de Guzman, who lost his mother to cancer four years ago.
“This time of year, mothers are the ones who bring everyone together,” he said.
After his mother passed away, other family members tried to fill in the gaps by following her Christmas recipes and planning family gatherings, but “we can’t do everything that she does. She is irreplaceable.”
At the service, de Guzman wrote her name on an ornament and hung it on a nine-foot-tall Christmas tree in the cemetery’s chapel Dec. 15. By the end of the event, the entire tree was covered in names and people were invited to socialize over cookies and cups of hot chocolate.
“I realized that we’re not the only family,” he said. “There are a lot of people who are also celebrating Christmas who have lost someone.”
That sentiment was comforting for many, said Crombie.
“I saw people crying but it was, I felt, tears of relief,” she said.
“They were allowed to show their emotion and be present at that time. There were other people who were smiling and talking with their family and remembering. They were given that opportunity to remember their loved ones.”
Crombie said many people asked if the Remembrance Christmas Tree could become an annual symbol at the cemetery. It’s too early to know for sure, but she hopes this event becomes the start of a seasonal tradition at the Gardens of Gethsemani chapel.
“For us to be able to take the time, go to a ceremony or service like this, and be with other people who might feel the same way, it strengthens our Catholic community. It shows we are able to support one another and we have that opportunity to be together not only in times of happiness and joy, but also in times of grief and despair,” she said.
“If you give people the opportunity to show their love and show their grief, that’s when healing happens.”
For anyone suffering an intense sense of loss or loneliness this season, Crombie suggests taking the time to honour the grief and remember the person who has passed on.
“In honouring your grief, you are loving that person that you’re missing. In all this hustle and bustle and people expecting you to be happy, you can take time to just be present and acknowledge the fact that you miss your son, daughter, mother, father, or whoever it is. That is an act of love.”
For more about coping with loss at Christmas visit Little Light of Heaven. For a list of Catholic and Christian counselling professionals, visit www.rcav.org/personal-counselling.
